"It's like my life in Singapore was on a pause and when I'm back, it automatically resumes."
"Everything on exchange feels so surreal now."
I went a step further. I told my friend, "it's not surreal, it's unreal." It doesn't feel like there's a 5 month lapse between me and any of my friends. Not at all. We just kinda pick up from where we left off. I also didn't have insane cravings for any local food. In fact, I kinda suffer from appetite loss LOL. Honestly, if I haven't documented some of my experiences and reflections, they would all quickly fade into a big black ink smudge. I wrote a Facebook note titled "What's in for Exchange?" sometime ago. The reason I published it on that platform and not here, is that I want to dispel some misunderstandings and also inspire a wider audience to explore this big big world we live in :D
Anyway on my way out on the MRT today, I suddenly have this strange feeling in my chest. Ok let me try to describe it. It's lukewarm; it came from nowhere and it vacated my chest and then my mind. Then it rushed to my lips, and I broke out into a smile. My brains took some time to process this feeling and finally, the answer echoed in mind: "I'm happy!" Wow, I am happy! I probably sound like an idiot or a mega weirdo now but seriously, it's the moment of realisation that I'm simply happy! I'm happy with what's going on in my life now; everything is stringing together nicely and I like my life this way. Haha you know how some people write when they feel negative feelings such as depression and rage. But I knew I have to write this happy feeling down when my conscious mind registered it!
Recently when I was out with Sarah & co, they asked me if I am happy and I simply replied, "ok lo" with a pretty bored face. When they enquired about a happy memory of mine, I couldn't extract any from the top of my mind. I couldn't eh. Then I thought could be that I was emotionally void LOL. So when I felt happiness coming from within this morning, I savoured it and made it a point to note it down. This feeling is significant for a number of reasons. Most crucially is that it doesn't come from validation by others. It is not due to an external entity such as a gift from someone, an applause of recognition from people around you. It's entirely on my own accord!
When I told hyung about this feeling, I was reminded of the conversation I had with a HK couple at the Marrakech hostel. There are a lot of things I didn't mention on the fb post or to my friends, and this is one of them. How I started talking to them was really random. I was just sitting at the lobby, minding my own business and occasionally talking to the people around me and then a woman called out to me. "Are you Singaporean?" I looked over and immediately exclaimed, "yeah! ...yeah!" Apparently, they were supposed to be contacted by a female Singaporean who's afraid to travel alone in Morocco and had approached them online. Not me, heh. But I went over and started talking to them. I found out a lot of things about their lives from the conversation. This couple have been travelling for more than 4 months by then after leaving their jobs. The woman, who's the more vocal one, expressed her views on various topics of life. If you had read my fb note, you would know she's the woman who said that she has never met any Singaporean who's happy! Hongkong people too!
Recently when I was out with Sarah & co, they asked me if I am happy and I simply replied, "ok lo" with a pretty bored face. When they enquired about a happy memory of mine, I couldn't extract any from the top of my mind. I couldn't eh. Then I thought could be that I was emotionally void LOL. So when I felt happiness coming from within this morning, I savoured it and made it a point to note it down. This feeling is significant for a number of reasons. Most crucially is that it doesn't come from validation by others. It is not due to an external entity such as a gift from someone, an applause of recognition from people around you. It's entirely on my own accord!
When I told hyung about this feeling, I was reminded of the conversation I had with a HK couple at the Marrakech hostel. There are a lot of things I didn't mention on the fb post or to my friends, and this is one of them. How I started talking to them was really random. I was just sitting at the lobby, minding my own business and occasionally talking to the people around me and then a woman called out to me. "Are you Singaporean?" I looked over and immediately exclaimed, "yeah! ...yeah!" Apparently, they were supposed to be contacted by a female Singaporean who's afraid to travel alone in Morocco and had approached them online. Not me, heh. But I went over and started talking to them. I found out a lot of things about their lives from the conversation. This couple have been travelling for more than 4 months by then after leaving their jobs. The woman, who's the more vocal one, expressed her views on various topics of life. If you had read my fb note, you would know she's the woman who said that she has never met any Singaporean who's happy! Hongkong people too!
"I never find any Singaporean who is happy."
“Oh. Wait. I think there's one. After she moved to Australia."
"It's the same here in HK. We are not happy. HK and Singaporean understand each other because we lead similar lifestyles. There's so much pressure. You never see anyone smile in central HK. People study a lot, come out to work and they get paid but they are not happy. We do travel, we make short trips to Korea and Taiwan, but we're still not happy. I always ask people what makes them happy but it's never about money. So what are we working for?”
(I paraphrased)
Then she told me, "whenever I meet people, I like to ask them this question: what makes you happy?" She said she really learn a lot about people from different cultures from their answers. Of course, I didn't get to escape from this personal project of hers. Even though she mistook my name as 'Sharon'...
What makes me happy?
I don't know about you but man, it's a difficult question for me. Perhaps it's because the more educated we are, the more we overthink things. When I hesitated for a long while, she looked at me and said, 'it doesn't have to be something very grand and abstract you know. It can be very simple and momentous. Like eating ice cream makes me happy." Eventually I told her my answer.
"Being free.. makes me feel happy. Like having nothing to hold me back. That, makes me happy."
She nodded her head, smiled and took a picture of me. Then she showed me her collection of answers and photos of people she had interviewed. "The answer is never money," she affirmed. I wasn't particularly impressed because I have always seen money as a means to something, the something that makes you happy? So when you ask someone what makes him or her happy, he or she is more likely to answer 'the something' rather than 'money'. I hinged on her statement for awhile and then I proceeded to ask, "but.. don't you think happiness is very fleeting? Like it comes and goes, no?"
She looked me in the eyes and said, "that's because you are still young. When you are young, you experience a lot of emotions. You experience ups and downs and a lot of things are always changing for you. But as you grow older, you learn to look at things in a certain way. Your mind becomes more stable, your thoughts more consistent. And happiness, is a state of mind."
Wow, happiness as a state of mind and not a feeling. Happiness as something that you can not only achieve but hold onto and let it sit comfortably in your mind and soul. That is a new way of looking at happiness, at least to me. It's conversations like this that reminds me that hey, my exchange is so damn real please. I'm grateful for all these lessons I took away from traveling and meeting people from such different backgrounds.
Now, I hope I can make a video that truly symbolises my experiences abroad! :-)
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