if time has washed away the pain of betrayal or that I am great at masking it under my skin far away from my conscious mind.
if I had wanted to hold on to some memories because I don't want my life to be a blank piece of paper.
if my heart has full capacity for forgiveness or zero capacity for resentment. Either way, it has worked to your benefit, and mine.
if I have great patience, or I'm the one who always waits, or that I simply don't want it badly enough.
-
There are many things in life we do not know, would not know and could never figure them out. I used to be unable to contain my questions. They came flooding out infused with emotions that I struggled to fight, causing distress to others and myself. Heavy eyelids, sleepless souls. Pursed lips, loud minds. But I have learnt to perceive them as beautiful things - like books written in a foreign language, poems that do not rhyme or make any logical sense, songs with lyrics that end abruptly - all locked up in a cherry wine cellar which is known as my heart. I simply accept the fact that no matter how hard we try to find answers, we are never going to find an absolute truth.
Why did she leave me?
Why did he stop texting me suddenly?
How can they get over each other so quickly?
Did she ever love me?
There are always two, or more, sides to a story like how there are two sides to a coin, two dimensions to a flat piece of paper, three dimensions to a matter and five dimensions in space. A mutual understanding is achieved when 1) most ideally, both parties share intense chemistry, or 2) interpretations happen to coincide, or 3) they decide to listen to each other and compromise. Communication between people does not come easy when you want to maintain a mutually-reinforcing relationship. It is an uphill battle on a slippery slope. Once one party becomes absent-minded, gets complacent or stops trying, both parties start to slide - and sliding, in this case, is not fun at all.
And because each has his or her own side of story, nobody can be the objective winner - I am right, you are wrong. You don't listen to me - No, YOU don't listen.
At the end of the day, there are many unspoken words and a huge load of pent-up frustrations and accusations, contributing to a Mount Everest of unanswered questions. To find our own closures, we start to assume our side of the story as the only and whole version of the story.
She has never cared about me.
She has never loved me.
He is heartless.
He let me down.
She doesn't think about me anymore.
She was only using me.
-
But, there are a lot of things that we don't know, and would never know.
You'll never know that I was lying when I said I wasn't intending to change your mind.
You'll never know that after the day you left me, I revisited the places we have gone to for one last time to reminisce all our memories before burning them in my head.
You'll never know how many gallons of tears I've shed over you, alone, at the front seat on the upper deck during my long bus rides.
You'll never know that I know you didn't mean to hurt me even though I accused you of being selfish.
You'll never know about the present I handmade for you, which I still keep, but never get to give it to you.
You'll never know how many times I rewrote the last letter I gave it to you over a few months, even during my busiest studying period.
You'll never know how much I missed your hugs and your scent and playing with your little fingers when I was too nervous to hold your hands.
You'll never know what a happy foolish drunk I was that night after I kissed you.
You'll never know what a happy foolish drunk I was that night after I kissed you.
You'll never know that I saved all our conversations and photos in a folder that was named after you.
You'll never know that I still carry a picture of us around in a secret compartment of my wallet.
You'll never know that I still remember all your secrets even though yours are not mine to keep anymore.
You'll never know that I still understand you in an intimate way that nobody else can relate to.
You'll never know that I still dream about you when I sleep and daydream about you when I wake.
You'll never know that because of you, I learnt the sound of my first heartbreak.
You'll never know how much a better person you've made me and I'd not be who I am today without you, sweet little angel.
You'll never know how my heart still leaps to my throat when I see you gliding down the walkway.
You'll never know that I did yearn for you at some point of time but because of bad timing, we missed each other.
You'll never know how much you meant to me and how much you don't mean to me anymore.
You'll never know that I'd begin again a thousand times over for you.
You'll never know which you is referring to you.
You'll never know if these are just examples or fictions which are totally unrelated to my life.
-
You'll never know, and I'll never know what's going on your side.
But that's okay with me.
-
"We keep secrets from lots of people, including our self - and that we call forgetting."
Only blue, only blue~
