Stand United, Fall Divided

Donald Trump took the world by surprise when he beat Hillary Clinton to become the President-Elect of the U.S.A.

Both camps, media, political analysts, Internet folks have come up with several reasons for Trump's victory:

1. 'Fake news' promoted on Facebook platform 

2. Clinton's email controversy resurfaced by James Comey, FBI Director, just the weekend before elections day 

While the above factors may have contributed to influencing voting choice, I agree with Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook's CEO, that people vote mainly based on their lived experiences. Cognitive political preferences and biases are developed from a young age and over a prolonged period of time. A Clinton supporter is unlikely to change his or her mind over the email controversy; a Trump supporter who does not find misogyny an offence or a deal-breaker would not be turned away by any number of his leaked tapes on groping women. A decisive individual who supports neither is more likely to vote for an Independent or not vote at all, than be convinced by news to vote for either. People who are on the fence, the swing voters or the Undecided, only make up a minority of the population and can hardly influence the outcome of election. 

Here, I look at a more structural explanation:

Misguided White feminism, detached liberal elite representation (Clinton) < Solidarity of White conservative rural working-class, losers of globalisation who are left behind by the race of globalisation (Trump)

I couldn't help but notice a parallel between U.S and Thai politics. It has more to do with the demographics of a population than the maturity of a democracy. Trump's rural working-class supporters mirrors Thaksin's rural support majority, while Clinton's well-educated privileged supporters is a reflection of the urban Bangkok elite minority. Anek's 'Tale of Two Democracies', which proposes that democracy means differently to the rural and the urban, foretells the results of U.S. presidential elections. Given the strong correlation between residence (rural or urban) and education level, one would also logically put the rural and uneducated in one camp and the urban and educated in the opposing camp.  

I was almost convinced that education level is what split the votes between Trump and Clinton. A highly educated person, who is more likely to have postmaterialist concerns for gender and racial equality, would condemn Trump's racist and misogynist remarks and be more inclined to support Clinton's #ImWithHer. A less educated person, on the other hand, is more concerned about bread-and-butter issues and easily swayed by radical electoral promises, no matter how unrealistic or impractical they sound. 

However, the exit polls highlighted a much graver issue that drove the elections: immigration. Similar to Brexit campaign, immigration problems are what the locals loathe the most. The locals associate immigrants with most things negative - crime, competition for jobs and resources, overcrowding, infrastructural collapse. Few thank the immigrants for adding diversity and vibrancy to the society. As immigration dominate the concerns of voters, the candidate who capitalises on this topic would gain their attention and support better. 

Trump did. 

"BUILD THE WALL," he exclaimed and his supporters chanted after him. Trump had successfully tapped on the anger of people who feel marginalised and threatened by immigrants.

On the other hand, Clinton claims that US-Mexico border is secure and plans to support a path of citizenship for immigrants. 

While Clinton's proposal is sound and logical, people have been too fed up to listen to her and believe her. People cannot stand political correctness anymore. 

That's when campaign rhetoric becomes a powerful force in shaping voters' choice. 

Trump promised the Americans that he would 'make America great again'. To that, Clinton's camp dismissed that America is weak now and instead incited people to be 'stronger together'. Honestly, Trump has a catchier and better slogan. 

People who lost their jobs due to relocations of big companies, to low-wage immigrant labour, to globalisation as a whole, are frustrated. They want to believe in the American Dream again. They want someone strong who can stand his ground and bargain to the benefit of America. They want CHANGE (that Obama didn't deliver and Clinton couldn't promise to deliver). 

I sound like I support Trump but I don't. I simply find merit in his campaign. People are easily bought by emotive words, not by logic. No president ever lives up to his (safe to use 'his' here instead of a gender-neutral pronoun in American context) campaign promises. Trump may have said a lot of crazy, unthinkable things but would he really act on any of them? 

The wall? The deportation? The trade war? The withdrawal from NATO? 

Many political analysts have expressed hope that President Trump would be a different person from Candidate Trump. (Then what's the point of voting for him right? I know. But this is politics for you.) There are reports of Trump being more subdued when he was meeting President Obama and in his interviews with the media. We shall see what happens. 

Talk is Cheap

"Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind."  

                                                                                                                                                                                                             - George Orwell 

I am writing this as I am waiting for the results..

2016 U.S. Presidential Elections is finally coming to an end on 8th November (U.S. time) after a year and a half long campaign. I would admit, I was never really interested in nor informed about American politics. (Does occasionally watching GIFs of the Obamas count?) I had wanted Obama to win in 2008 and 2012 because of his charisma, his catchy 'Yes We Can!' tagline and um, for the lack of a better reason, 'to create history' with him being the first African-American POTUS. But I never did pay enough attention to the opposing candidate. Who was the Republican candidate in 2012 again?

This year, however, is very different. It is impossible to not know Donald Trump as well as Hillary Clinton. I did not watch the reality TV show 'Apprentice' (and never got previous movie references to Trump) but his rise to prominence as the Republican nominee is a blaring siren. This man, with his political incorrectness, has made plenty of succinct and provocative remarks on different issue areas on his Twitter account - that it was rumoured his campaign had to confiscate the account from him the weekend before Voting Day to prevent him from spewing more lewd nonsense.

I had never witnessed negative campaigning of such intensity prior to this year's elections. 'Negative Campaigning', also known as 'mudslinging', refers to the attempt of gaining an advantage over the opponent by highlighting and emphasising on his negative attributes. Both Trump and Hillary are guilty of this, though the latter does try to shift the focus back to policy discussion on key issue areas like foreign policy, gun control, abortion and more. The Straits Times does a good job at highlighting the differences in Trump and Hillary's policy proposals, backgrounds and even tweeting styles. I am not a big fan of negative campaigning as I find that it obscures discourse on important issues that really concern the voters. So what if Trump makes nasty remarks on women and has an inconsistent stand on abortion? Does it naturally make Hillary a better and more qualified candidate?

Yet, it is indeed hard to not roast your opponent when he has no concrete plans to offer - "I'll tell you later. I'll keep you in suspense" - when he was asked what he has in mind to defeat ISIS. It does not take a genius to figure out that Trump loves going about in circles whenever he is asked for details. But, his bold, outrageous and radical words do appeal to the populists - the common people who are tired of shrewd political expediency and correctness. They like Trump as a powerful orator standing before them on the podium gesturing with his hands like the conductor of an orchestra. It is, admittedly, entertaining to watch Trump speak, and lie, and accuse and scoff. I like that his comebacks are spontaneous, unscripted and at times witty - which are not really Hillary's strong suits.   

But talk is cheap, my darling.

Donald Trump is politically inexperienced and a serial liar, while Hillary Clinton is seen as scheming and untrustworthy. This casts doubt on the two-party system in America. Is there truly no viable alternative that can represent people who are unconvinced by either of the candidates? Do the people really have to choose "the lesser of the evils"? Should Democrat supporters get angry at people who voted for the Independent candidate even though they know he will never win?

"What is politics?"

is a common question asked by tutors in their first classes - typically of an introductory module - to test if their students know what they are getting themselves into.

'Government' 'Politicians' 'Elections' 'Revolutions' 'Legislation' 'Executive'

Zealous students often throw out rapid-fire answers, which may make perfect sense when you hear them for the first time, but they always miss the mark. What they tend to mention are forms or institutions in which politics manifest, but they are not politics in itself.

Politics, at the most fundamental level, is a struggle for power. 

Superheroes face off 

That's why there are office politics, family politics - politics in not just the top management but among people in general in daily life. Where there are people, there is competition - to be the leading authority, to command, organise and control resources - to ensure survival and security. Survival is the most basic end of POWER, and is inextricably linked to Thomas Hobbes' realist outlook of a 'dog-eat-dog' world.

To even begin understanding simple politics, we must trace back to the origin of modern political philosophy founded by Hobbes. The modern states we have today - its law and order, rules and authority, sovereignty - were long envisioned in Hobbes' Leviathan. Hobbes believes that for humans to survive, there must be an overarching authority to mandate the commonwealth of resources. This is based on his observations about the 'natural condition of mankind':

1. Humans compete with one another to secure basic necessities of life
2. Humans will fight one another out of fear to ensure personal safety
3. Humans seek for glory both for its own sake and for its protective effects
4. Humans are equal - not in strength or wit but in capability of killing one another no matter how strong or weak, how smart or dumb each individual is

Humans are self-interested creatures who will do anything to protect themselves, even if they don't intend to hurt anyone. Therefore, it will be a 'dog-eat-dog' world if there isn't a sovereign (today's civil government) granted absolute authority to create and enforce laws, and to provide common protection for its people. Crime is not our worst enemy, anarchy is.

This idea is reinforced in a Netflix TV series called 'Gotham' - a story of crime and justice based on Batman characters by DC Comics.

"There can be no organised crime without law and order."
"The system is not the enemy. Anarchy is the enemy." 

The state of nature is one without law and order. Power is extremely fluid. Without clear organisation, it can be transferred from one hand to another very quickly, incurring a lot of bloodshed in the process. To prevent the wipeout of our human species, Hobbes suggests a 'mutual transferring of rights' in the form of social contract. Individuals give up their natural rights to freely kill, fight and steal, while the sovereign gives individuals the right to common protection and property in exchange.

Though Hobbes makes a very valid point on social contract, most scholars disagree with him on the extent to which people should give up their rights. Hobbes claims that people should surrender ALL rights but John Locke, another influential political philosopher, proposes that people should only surrender limited rights. The former was seen to support authoritarian rule while the latter inspired the idea of a small, limited government.

Politics is an ongoing struggle. Throughout years of human progress, we have seen countries shifting from authoritarian to democratic to military rule. There is no 'one size fits all', but nobody has successfully debunked the idea of a sovereign - not even globalisation. We've seen organisational structures evolving from top-down hierarchy to decentralised network, but there is always a leader helming the organisation. Power is working yourself to the top, or at least to be equal with the top.

I have so many random, incomplete thoughts that it is kind of impossible for me to write them here without sounding like a rambler. Yes, I do care about my image. Hahaha. Also, I realise I have a major problem which is the inability to not analyse the deeper meanings behind something, anything, even the most mindless and supposedly entertaining TV show. 

Maybe I should start a blog series on the analysis of politics behind "..." and so. Not many people can embrace this nerdy side of me so I might as well talk to my anonymous visitors here, right? 

Hong Kong

There are huge similarities between Singapore and Hong Kong, for sure. 

On my first day, I found myself staring at the esplanade, the pearl centre, and the peninsula plaza in Tsim Sha Tsui - the urban area in Kowloon district equivalent to the marina area in Singapore. The high-rise residential buildings are on average 40 floors - even higher than those in Singapore - to meet their housing demands and maximise space. 

Our people are similar too, though I'd say Hong Kong people dress a lot plainer. The HK traveller I met in Marrakech is right. There is not a single happy spirit in central HK - you can feel one when you meet one. I encountered so many grumpy, impatient and curt people on the streets, in the stores and especially in eateries. The service crew probably thought that I and most other tourists do not understand Cantonese and hence they uttered rude words freely. I don't think I can ever make HK my home. My HK friends, too, share that they would not want to live here for the rest of their lives. 

Like Singapore, there are many foreigners - not just the whites but also Indians, Muslims, Japanese and the Filipinos especially. I asked my friend Charity about it and she said that HK engages even more Filipino helpers than Singapore. When I was exploring the city by myself, I noted that her words are very true. On a typical Sunday, the Filipino females lay their mats by the riverside and chill together, enjoying what's left of their one-day break. 

In terms of food, I went to check out the cafes and realised that in Hong Kong, you pay more to eat less. The food in HK is generally more expensive than in Singapore. Their red bean ice is HK$18, which is SG$3.20. Crazy. 

I also met Terri, a friend I made in Paris. We ate at a widely acclaimed meat house. 35- duck and shaorou rice. 8 - coke. Then, she brought me to HKU, her school. We talked about HK democracy protest - the Umbrella Movement and also how the Chinese central govt interferes with judicial independence. She lamented to me about how HK society is twisted and harbours no social values.. And she walked me to see the "Democracy wall" in HKU.

Here, the students expressed their unhappiness with the incumbent appointed chairman. She told me that this chairman is very incapable and has low qualifications. An influential law professor that is popular among the students was denied chairmanship because it is feared that his authority would constrain the government's control over HKU. According to Terri, the government installs close personnel in the board of directors. It is important because there are a lot of political activists from HKU. She also shared with me a funny story about how a Mainland student asked a ridiculous question at a student's forum. "You want to promote HK independence, but have you asked your parents?" L O L. That's like asking "you are gay, but have you asked your parents?" Such a scenario, though seemingly a joke, accurately reflects the political culture in China. It is a parenting style of government similar to the paternalistic Singapore under LKY - coddled and disciplined. There is no individual before family - everything one does has to be in the interests of the family that can extend up to 6 degrees of separation.

Hi

The nature aspect of Hong Kong is alright. I took a cable car to Lantau island and on the way I thought, heights never bother me mmmmm. The car went up high enough for me to see the mist and I really appreciate the nature's doing. I also went to the Victoria habour to feel the breeze and basically to enjoy the city from the peripheral point of view. I always feel like a third-person anyway, always to observe and never to experience from within the situation. The harbour was unsurprisingly infested with tourists. The weather was slightly foggy, so it appeared less impressive than expected. But it's still nice to see hills at the back of the buildings - the blend of nature and man-made structures. It reminded me of the landscape of Barcelona, though it really couldn't measure up to the latter. The waves were really rough. I like waves. To me, they symbolize an undying force.

I also made it to Dragon's back for hiking, followed by chilling at the beach with charity. I always love my conversations with her. Again, we talked about Hong Kong people. According to her, people here like to do things mid-way. Basically, they cannot commit themselves to a cause. They like to complain, start a protest which fizzles out and that's it. They travel, come back and complain again. People here are not very happy. They work day by day for a paycheck and occasionally escape somewhere else. Well, from a political perspective, it is hard for them to make any concrete changes. Autonomy is really limited and even considered faux when you are in a dragon's nest. 

Partying was alright at Lan Kwai Fong. We drank at several places before entering the clubs - mainly captured in the video below. Honestly, these are the two people that remind me that my exchange's real. The things they are willing to do for me and have done for me - such as taking time off to accompany me amidst finals and also being with me at the airport from 1-5am despite having work at 10am the next day - constantly teach me to never settle for anything less.




Hong Kong 2016 from Yong Huey Chyi on Vimeo.

Ma and Pa

Recently, my plover and I had a weighty discussion on upbringing. I can't remember how we got there but I guess it started with us talking about money. How do we get a lot of money from doing what we like to do in life? You kinda can't get the best of both worlds unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth - you get a strong headstart in life.

At the tender age of 3, you're probably sent to piano, dance, swimming lessons. You're probably taught to have good mannerisms, how to show poise in company, and never to shout across the living room. You probably receive regular dental care, have your braces done before you learn the word 'metamorphosis'. You have probably started networking with successful people even before you learn the importance of networking. 

Now, I'm not saying that this is a stress-free and easy life. Of course, every kind of life offers different responsibilities to bear. But Maslow will agree with me that at the very least, privileged people do not have to fret over their most basic physiological needs. They have disposable income to groom themselves, to make the necessary adjustments to keep up with the ever-changing society, to accumulate wealth for future generations. People from the lower income families, on the other hand, lack access to gain technical skills that can make them stand out from others. A child may be musically inclined but her talent is not discovered and potential is not maximised because she does not get to go for classes like a child from a rich family does. A child may have talent in swimming but her parents never have the time to teach her or send her for lessons. A child can probably pick these skills up online but lack the money to buy the necessary equipment. She could be discouraged by her family from doing anything else other than studying because the only way to get out of poverty and into the upper middle class in this meritocratic society is to study. Studying, seems to be the only chance, the saving grace. By the time the child matures into a young adult, what she does best is studying. With that tiny bit of savings she has, she then proceeds to turn her wants to pick up more musical instruments and a few other life skills into reality. 

Well, I am not trying to paint a negative image at all. A person can choose to complain about her family background or turn the odds to her favour. 

A low or average income family may not be able to teach a child as many skills as a high-income family during her childhood years, but it can nonetheless give the child a good upbringing. When done right, it can help the child develop independence and resilience. It can teach the child to be politie, courteous and kind to people because people have to help one another to survive. It can teach the child that she has to fight for what she wants herself as nothing comes free in life. In the future, she knows to use her own money to learn those skills and polish herself. Even though she may be 5 or 10 steps behind others, she is not disheartened. She keeps moving and she'll never develop an inertia. 

My father is a kind man.

My mother is a strong woman. 

I am thankful to be born into this family no matter how many skeletons we have hidden in the closet.

Sometimes, I hate that I am so acutely aware of why I feel the way I do.

I know, it's outrageous for me to say so. Who wouldn't like to be able to rationalise their feelings, right?

I hate it because, well because, even though I know the reasons and hence the possible methods to make myself stop feeling this way, there's not a single thing I want to change about it. 

No, I don't want to. 

We're all just passing through

I still remember frying scrambled eggs and singing "wait for me to come homeeeeeee" in my Parisian apartment. That, was six months ago. Going to Hong Kong to find Charity and Joey - friends whom I've made during my stint in Paris - just reminded me of how quickly time passes on. But like what this French poet wrote:

"Time passes on, times passes on, my Lady -
Alas! Not time, but we pass on, 
And soon we shall be laid beneath the tombstone

And of the love of which we are speaking,
When we are dead there will be no more tidings
Therefore love me while you are beautiful" 

Not time, but we pass on. How very true. That's how I view the change in sceneries when I take long bus or train rides too - we are the ones who are passing through and moving forward while the trees remain in the same position.

And I'm going to keep going forward, even if certain things are left behind.


This is a short video I made to commemorate my time in Paris. I could only register those few memories though, and it captures mainly my daily life over there. Touring and living in a place are two very different experiences.

Life in Paris from Yong Huey Chyi on Vimeo.


I try my best to recount my travel experiences through films because I have always liked videography, on top of photography. It's an art to match the most appropriate song to the videos in the best possible sequence to bring out the feel you want your audience to enjoy. So of course I have made videos for the people I like before :-) To me, video-making is equivalent to a handmade gift (yes I made scrapbooks before too)? All the thought that goes to personalising a gift for someone.

Coming up next will be a video on my travels in Hong Kong. Stay tuned.

Littlest Things

"It's important to write about the small things, as well as big things."

Hyung and I came to this consensus yesterday during our last studying sesh together at YIH Starbucks. I was telling her about this irrational fear I have now of blacking out at any random time of the day after the recent incident of alcohol poisoning. Trust me, I am really ashamed of myself still, for landing myself in that situation (though it's a golden story to recount during group gatherings). I was caught off guard by how rapidly the events had unfolded. My body took me by surprise. As much as this sounds like an excuse, I push myself hard in most areas but not in this aspect. It was a close shave with death and frankly, this would be the stupidest reason to die for. Nobody will grieve for me. When I was much younger, I wrote a blog post on how I intend to meet death (lol how silly could I get) and I wanted to die saving someone or an animal (facepalm, too much drama). So nope, alcohol intoxication does not and will never make the cut. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

Me: "What if I just black out now?" 

Hyung shot me a concerned look. 

Me: "And um, wake up at the beach in Bali." 

Hyung: "Then it's actually kind of cool eh." 

We both burst out laughing. Sometimes I talk so much nonsense I wonder how my friends take it. I was being serious though, about the part on blacking out; just that I have this tendency to make jokes to lighten the atmosphere. This is perhaps due to my jovial personability.  

Blacking out and losing not just absolute control, but awareness, is one of the scariest things that can happen in life. When your conscious mind is not even functioning, it's not even about exerting self-control anymore because self-control involves conscious decision-making. You simply lose all control over what's happening to you. It's so possible that the next moment you regain consciousness, you have lost a limb or two and are in the hands of a ruthless group of human traffickers. They are going to strip you of your identity (clothes even) and make you beg on the streets of Thailand. So yup, I can't be lucky all the time and I will never allow myself to be caught in this situation ever again. 

Then, we moved on to talk about losing memories. I was just thinking, if we lose the memories in our mind due to old age or an unfortunate accident, do we lose our muscle memory as well? Can our muscle memory help us remember who we are? If I hold a pen in my hand, will the muscles of my hand guide me to write your name? I tried to google this but there are no relevant results.

Does anyone know me well enough to jolt my memory of who I am? 

Hyung: "Your blog posts. Your blog posts will help you to remember." 

So, it's important to write about the small things as well. Not just big concepts, reasonings and feelings, but even small details of my life happenings. I told her I like song lyrics that tell stories. Such as the song "Littlest Things" by Lily Allen: 

Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching dvd's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
The first time that you introduced me to your friends
And you could tell that I was nervous, so you held my hand
When I was feeling down, you made that face you do
No one in the world who could replace you

Not just abstract notions of love and hope, but simple depiction of details in a relationship matter a lot as well. They are very relatable, and personal. 

Littlest things keep me going for a long time.

-

It has been 3 hours since my last paper was collected, and here I am, sitting at the Orchard Library typing my thoughts away, alone. I decided to skip the usual tradition of feasting on a celebratory post-finals meal with friends because I feel like having my own company today. Sometimes, I wonder if I am really that outgoing as other people make me out to be. I know for sure I am not a social butterfly (not because butterfly is beautiful and I am not, okay). I have been so used to being alone - eating, running and running errands - and feeling happy by myself, that occasionally I think in my head I am okay with dying alone as well. I have 0 luck in love life; I have come to to terms with it long ago. I don't anticipate a change in fortune in the foreseeable future. 

There are many perks that come with being alone, at least physically. Today, finally released from the clutches of academic readings, I go back to doing this activity that I'm particularly fond of - people-watching. While I was eating alone at Tori Q at Orchard Gateway, I noticed this extremely lanky girl with pretty facial features sitting next to me. I couldn't help but to stare politely and discreetly, of course. She was in the company of two others - one tall geeky-looking guy with thick-framed glasses and a plumper woman with questionable fashion sense. The three of them looked around the same age, but the pretty girl was a lot more youthful in her dressing. She's wearing a caged bra (I know because she's clad in a black tank top with gaping holes), a high-waisted shorts and a pair of pink and grey adidas trainers. I was trying to figure out the nature of their relationships. Are they classmates? The geeky guy was rambling on about grand theories such as Western hegemony and democracy while the pretty girl was half-listening half-busy-with-food, giving him occasional nods of acknowledgement. She was sharing a bento set with the guy by the way. I don't know, to me sharing food requires a level of intimacy, but the two of them don't seem romantically involved to me. Perhaps they are siblings? 

I know all these observations seem so inconsequential, and maybe I would have gained more knowledge about the world from reading a book instead. But. Well, people interest me. Human interactions interest me. Like how MBTI describes my personality type, I enjoy my alone time - but with people, strangers around. I like looking at changes in facial expressions - for example, someone hard at work is scrunching her eyebrows but breaks into a smile when her phone screen illuminates upon an incoming text. I enjoy their look of epiphany when they finally solve a difficult mathematical equation. I like how people cannot contain their excitement or even hunger, all their small little actions that are telling of their perspectives of life. And maybe I have vivid dreams (just recently, of a murder case, supposedly the most infamous one in Singapore's crime history lol) because of all these observations. And maybe because I can gather all these intelligence without talking to some people, I usually have short attention span on individuals as well.

I have a pretty strong intuition about people and my guts are seldom wrong. I know who are special to me from the moment I lay my eyes on them. 

And special people are those whom I can't tell who they are and what they are thinking from their behaviour, of course. 

They don't come by often. 

-

Now, I can finally embark on my post-finals plans. Yes I made a list. While reading through I can't help but to laugh at myself. I am, indeed a very idealistic person. There is this quote on how life is a colossal joke, but I think, I myself am the joke. How many can I possibly check off? I will find out and update this space in due time. 

When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place
When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might end up being me 

I haven't found another person who actually enjoys his voice as much as I do. Tell me if you do?!

-

Also, may I just add that, this bearded Caucasian sitting next to me at the library, is very easily frightened.  

I don't know

whether I have loved enough, or at all, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Not even a little bit, no matter how much I try to pluck the strings.

if time has washed away the pain of betrayal or that I am great at masking it under my skin far away from my conscious mind.

if I had wanted to hold on to some memories because I don't want my life to be a blank piece of paper.

if my heart has full capacity for forgiveness or zero capacity for resentment. Either way, it has worked to your benefit, and mine. 

if I have great patience, or I'm the one who always waits, or that I simply don't want it badly enough. 

-

There are many things in life we do not know, would not know and could never figure them out. I used to be unable to contain my questions. They came flooding out infused with emotions that I struggled to fight, causing distress to others and myself. Heavy eyelids, sleepless souls. Pursed lips, loud minds. But I have learnt to perceive them as beautiful things - like books written in a foreign language, poems that do not rhyme or make any logical sense, songs with lyrics that end abruptly - all locked up in a cherry wine cellar which is known as my heart. I simply accept the fact that no matter how hard we try to find answers, we are never going to find an absolute truth. 

Why did she leave me?

Why did he stop texting me suddenly?

How can they get over each other so quickly? 

Did she ever love me?

There are always two, or more, sides to a story like how there are two sides to a coin, two dimensions to a flat piece of paper, three dimensions to a matter and five dimensions in space. A mutual understanding is achieved when 1) most ideally, both parties share intense chemistry, or 2) interpretations happen to coincide, or 3) they decide to listen to each other and compromise. Communication between people does not come easy when you want to maintain a mutually-reinforcing relationship. It is an uphill battle on a slippery slope. Once one party becomes absent-minded, gets complacent or stops trying, both parties start to slide - and sliding, in this case, is not fun at all. 

And because each has his or her own side of story, nobody can be the objective winner - I am right, you are wrong. You don't listen to me - No, YOU don't listen. 

At the end of the day, there are many unspoken words and a huge load of pent-up frustrations and accusations, contributing to a Mount Everest of unanswered questions. To find our own closures, we start to assume our side of the story as the only and whole version of the story. 

She has never cared about me.

She has never loved me. 

He is heartless. 

He let me down. 

She doesn't think about me anymore. 

She was only using me. 

-

But, there are a lot of things that we don't know, and would never know.

You'll never know that I was lying when I said I wasn't intending to change your mind.

You'll never know that after the day you left me, I revisited the places we have gone to for one last time to reminisce all our memories before burning them in my head. 

You'll never know how many gallons of tears I've shed over you, alone, at the front seat on the upper deck during my long bus rides. 

You'll never know that I know you didn't mean to hurt me even though I accused you of being selfish.

You'll never know about the present I handmade for you, which I still keep, but never get to give it to you.

You'll never know how many times I rewrote the last letter I gave it to you over a few months, even during my busiest studying period. 

You'll never know how much I missed your hugs and your scent and playing with your little fingers when I was too nervous to hold your hands.
You'll never know what a happy foolish drunk I was that night after I kissed you. 

You'll never know that I saved all our conversations and photos in a folder that was named after you. 

You'll never know that I still carry a picture of us around in a secret compartment of my wallet. 

You'll never know that I still remember all your secrets even though yours are not mine to keep anymore. 

You'll never know that I still understand you in an intimate way that nobody else can relate to. 

You'll never know that I still dream about you when I sleep and daydream about you when I wake. 

You'll never know that because of you, I learnt the sound of my first heartbreak. 

You'll never know how much a better person you've made me and I'd not be who I am today without you, sweet little angel. 

You'll never know how my heart still leaps to my throat when I see you gliding down the walkway. 

You'll never know that I did yearn for you at some point of time but because of bad timing, we missed each other. 

You'll never know how much you meant to me and how much you don't mean to me anymore. 

You'll never know that I'd begin again a thousand times over for you. 

You'll never know which you is referring to you.

You'll never know if these are just examples or fictions which are totally unrelated to my life. 

-

You'll never know, and I'll never know what's going on your side. 

But that's okay with me. 

-

"We keep secrets from lots of people, including our self - and that we call forgetting."

Only blue, only blue~

When everything is temporary,

Music is forever.

I haven't been active in a while but the page views are still jumping so I guess, why not update this blog while I'm busy procrastinating? Haha.

There is this joy about rediscovering something - an old book, song or even a person. It's way different from uncovering something new and unfamiliar. It's about facing that entity the second, or even third, time after a long while and then exploring bits of it with a new perspective. This subject of interest is no stranger to you, yet not so familiar anymore. You may look at it in a different light or feel for it even more strongly than before. I guess this is how friends can fall in love - one day you notice something different about them and suddenly, the way you think of them and what you expect of them change as well.

Recently, I rediscovered two songs that I had lost touch with for quite some time. I found myself connecting with them once again at this juncture of my life and I really can't contain my excitement anymore!!

The first song is Slide Away by Noel Gallagher. This is the live version performed in 1998 and it sounds rather different from the original studio version. I absolutely love how he improvised and added a few other lines in the lyrics to build up the climax.




Slide away, give it all you've got 

My today fell in from the top

I dream of you and all the things you say

I wonder where you are now?

Hold me down all the world's asleep
Need you now you've knocked me off my feet
I dream of you and we talk of growing old

But you said please don't!

So slide in baby together we'll fly
I've tried praying but I don't know what you're saying to me

Now that you're mine
We'll find a way
Of chasing the sun

Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning we don't know what to do

Two of a kind
We'll find a way
To do what we've done
Let me be the one who shines with you
And we can slide away

Slide away
Slide away
Away

Slide away, and give it all you've got
'Cause my today, fell in from the top
I dream of you and all the things you say
Yeah, I wonder where you are now?

So slide in baby together we'll fly
I've tried praying and I know just what you're saying to me
Now that you're mine
We'll find a way
Of chasing the sun

Let me be the one that shines with you
'Cause in the morning we don't know what to do

We are two of a kind
We'll find a way
To do what we've done
Oh, let me be the one that shines with you
And we can slide away
Slide away
Slide away

Slide away

I don't wanna try now

Gonna make you mine now

And I don't wanna try now

Gonna make you mine now 

I don't wanna try now

I wanna make you mine now

I don't wanna try now

Gonna make you mine now 

Ooooooh oooooooooh ooooooooh

I don't know, I don't care, All I know is you could take me there 

I don't know, I don't care, All I know is you could take me there

I don't know, I don't care, All I know is you could take me there

Take me there, take me there, take me there, take me there, take me there, take me there, 

All I know is you could take me there 

You gotta take me there

Take me there, take me there, take me there, take me there, take me there, take me thereeeeeeeeeeee

Slide away

Slide away

Slide away

Slide away

Slide away

Slide away

I typed out the last two bolded verses. Hahahaha. When I really like a song, I will go and look up the story of inspiration behind the song. So I found out that Noel Gallagher wrote this song when he was going through a rough time with his then girlfriend Louise Jones. He described her as his soulmate and apparently when they split up, he said "I don't think I can ever get over this." :(
Knowing the context is important because the lyrics will make so much more sense to you! And it explains the few contradictions in the song: 

Now that you're mine

We'll find a way                         v.s.        I don't wanna try now

 Of chasing the sun                                Gonna make you mine now

I dream of you and all the things you say

I wonder where you are now?

I dream of you and we talk of growing old

But you said please don't!

I've tried praying but I don't know what you're saying to me

Let me be the one who shines with you
And we can slide away

Ahhhhhh, I just feel so much frustration and sincerity in his voice simultaneously. I think they were at the rough patch whereby he felt her slipping away and withdrawing herself from him, and he was just like "please stay", "please come back", "we can make it through this together". 

Please. 

I can relate to this pretty well, haha. 

The other song is also by Noel Gallagher! It is "Don't Look Back In Anger" :-)

Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play

You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away

So I start a revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the brains I had went to my head.
Step outside, summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

And so Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I heard you say

Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
But please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away

I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed
'Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside 'cos summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
'Cos you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as she's walking on by
My soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I heard you say

So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I heard you say

So Sally can wait
She knows it's too late as she's walking on by

My soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
I heard you say

At least not today

The meaning of this song should be quite straightforward haha. Basically, to not look back at your past in anger, resentment, bitterness etc. If you relate this to the first song, you can see a drastic change in attitude. Haha. Perhaps towards the end of the relationship, he figured things out and decided it was not worth it anymore. Still, let's not translate the frustration into anger. Be glad for the good times, let go of the bad times, and be glad that you fell apart. 

What a legend you are, Noel Gallagher. I really think he deserves more credit. Also, what a fantastic crowd the Argentinians are!!




I love rediscovering things :-)

We are our own masterminds

I posted this on my Facebook wall a few months ago:

"“I long to ride a bike, dance, whistle, look at the world, feel young and know that I’m free.” (Anne Frank, 1943)

I’m fortunate to be living in a part of the modern world that gives us tremendous freedom to act in our private sphere. It's so much so that we are ignorant of how to grasp it to the extent of letting it slip through our hands.

There exists a significant number of people who cast their ability to discern aside and ride the popular wave blindly, despite having the cognitive capacities to rationalise matters. As Kant aptly puts, “it is so convenient to be immature!” Immaturity, as he explains, is the inability to use one’s own understanding without the guidance of another. I couldn’t agree with him more that “laziness” and “cowardice” are reasons why most men remain gladly immature for life. It’s always easier for people to “guide” you to a certain decision rather than having to weigh the pros and cons by yourself. It’s always easier to blame the leader who makes the decisions on your behalf than to reprimand yourself. When you have the freedom to choose, you end up not choosing by reason at all. The paradox of choice is such.

What people fail to realise is, we are free to make decisions on a variety of issues from education to religion to marriage and most importantly, to think for ourselves. We have absolute sovereignty over our mind and body. I'm not claiming that our actions are not constrained by the society we live in. Sometimes, they are, under unfortunate circumstances. Freedom to act can be curtailed by external forces and that the agent-structure relationship is precarious. But, our mind should never be bounded in the same way. After all, it is the mind of a revolutionary group that pushes for the materialisation of social change. I subscribe to the belief that we are only truly unfree if our will, and not our actions, is constrained.

“I know what I want, I have a goal, I have opinions, a religion and love.”

Anne Frank’s diary is a sound reminder that we should never take our freedom for granted. A little girl like her was passionate about life, yet she did not have the freedom to live the life she had envisioned. “All her would-haves are our opportunities.” Therefore, Sapere Aude! “Have the courage to use your own understanding” and take charge of your own life. Freedom from responsibility is at best temporary. Since everyone has to suffer consequences anyway, why not suffer them from the decisions you've made for yourself?

Carpe Diem."

The recent conversations I have had on decision-making reminded me of these thoughts that I penned down on exchange. I discovered that people in general are unaware of how much control and power they actually have over their own lives. A lot of them behave as if they are trapped in a conspiracy wherein they are mere pawns of a higher being in a game of chess. They confuse opinions with facts, feelings with logic, and uncertainty with impossibility. They buy into the saying that "it's okay to not know what you want, as long as you know what you don't want." Is it really? 

I doubt so. 

Not wanting to be fat does not mean you want to be fit. Not wanting to fail does not mean you want to excel. Not wanting to be in pain does not mean you want to be happy. When you spend your time focusing on what you don't want, you never really get to start acting. You remain stuck in the same place and live your life running on the treadmill. The important point here is to really start sorting out your thoughts, figure out what you want and take advantage of the immense freedom you have to invest in this life you only live once. If you spend your time making decisions based on what you don't want, you will never become better. 

Of course, I am not ruling out situations where we can be subjected to the control by external forces. We are always going to be helpless about the things we can't control. But as humans, we are highly adaptative and inventive creatures. We always come up with ways to overcome problems and get around systems. We cannot fly, so we invent planes. We cannot breathe under water, so we invent oxygen tank. We cannot determine the sex assigned to us at birth, but we can create our own gender identities. So, as you can see, we as humans do have a lot of freedom, control and power concentrated in our hands. There is no such thing as 'no time'. There is only such thing as 'no discipline'. 

At the end of the day, when you are done struggling with your inner voice, logic always prevails over emotions.

Today, or rather, these days, my head is taking charge. 

Tides

At this point of time in life, I'm glad that I'm so not emotional anymore. Feelings no longer engulf me like a tsunami. (Ghosts from the past, thank you for training me well.) Life becomes a lot easier if you don't read too much between the lines, don't take things personally and to the heart, and simply move with the flow. After all, the more you swim against the currents, the more fatigue will overwhelm you, the more you'll be swept under by the riptide. 

Maybe these waves will take me to an island far beyond my imagination - a place I have yet to explore and mark my territory, a place so peculiar and interesting I want to put a name down and study it proper. I don't even have to swim and a force is moving me towards it. 

I'm already seeing its shores.

I'm getting there. 

-

All these years, I've been finding closures for relationships that never last, for people that never stay and feelings that never go away.

But when I have finally sealed everything tight and rid it of my life, I found myself having nothing to look back at. I found myself feeling nothing at all. No face comes to my mind when I sing love songs. No ache when I listen to sad melody. Nothing can quite creep into my heart now. 

Stillness. Lifeless. Void. 

Is this what I really want?

So let me hold both your hands in the holes of my sweater.

Diversity/ We are all the same

This series of videos convey a really powerful message on the plight of LGBTQI+ community. Mainly, it's the pain of loving someone but not being able to demonstrate this love in the open and gain blessings from your loved ones. It is delivered from the perspective of an increasingly prominent youtube-star-turned-singer Troye Sivan, who is identified by the contemporary society as a 'gay'. I'm utterly touched by the story these songs are telling, not only because I can relate to it but also a sociology module I am currently taking now has shed much light on the construction of sexuality. This knowledge is really valuable and I'm keen to share it with more people in the hope that more can embrace diversity regardless of their religious or social values.

In today's world, humans construe 'sexuality' as a binary composed of 'heterosexuality' and 'homosexuality'. People are arbitrarily categorised into either 'straight' or 'gay' groupings based on their gender and dominant sexual preferences. LGBT and now together with QI+ are variations of the non-straight community, but they are still contained within the realm of homosexuality that is constructed as the direct opposition to heterosexuality. Now, what I like about sociology is that it makes everything we think is obvious and natural contestable. This includes our conception of sexuality. Heterosexuality is the norm in the social world today, but it has not always been the case in the past. Historical and culture context matter a lot when it comes to evaluating the meaning of a practice.

Let me first give you a little history about heterosexuality.

'Heterosexuality' first appeared officially in 1892 in an American psychology journal as a result of a growing debate on the range of erotic expressions and sexual identities. To my surprise, it was seen as a vice - 'abnormal or perverted appetite towards opposite sex', 'morbid sexual passion for one of the opposite sex'. What's abnormal is not the attraction towards one of opposite sex, but its non-procreative purpose. Sex was framed as a dirty, negative and destructive force that could only be redemptive by its procreative purpose within a marriage. Towards the end of 19th century, more people were having sex for pleasure, which was deemed as sinful by the western Christian tradition. As the main focus of sexuality was on reproductivity, any sexual relation that was not procreative was judged as abnormal, including one between a man and a woman. It was only till later ages did heterosexuality become normalised through pitching by the academia.

What I am trying to drive home here is, there is nothing inherently abnormal or normal about a practice. A norm is always constructed by the powerful in the society and maintained by the institutions they left behind. However, as contemporary society links sexual identity to normality and normality to pyschiatric condition, a person whose sexual orientation is not the norm is diagnosed with psychiatric disorder. This results in ridiculous medical attempts to treat someone of his or her homosexuality, causing real mental distress to the 'homosexual' victims. Alan Turing, the renowned British code breaker who helped to decrypt Nazi messages and contribute to triumph of WWII, was subjected to such hormonal treatment because of his 'homosexual tendencies'. He was ultimately forced to take his own life because he could no longer tolerate the harassment by state and police and the treatment was having an adverse impact on his health. This, is a true story.

I kept using '...' when I wrote 'homosexuality' and 'heterosexuality' because I do not subscribe to these terms. I am not a hipster wannabe who rejects label; I simply do not find accuracy in them. They only started to exist after the 19th century when academics assigned biological sex to feelings. What do I mean? Basically, this German writer called Karl Ulrichs came up with this theory that a man who loves a woman has male erotic feelings for females, while a man who loves man has female erotic feelings for males. The same goes for a woman who loves women; she possesses a masculine love-drive - male feelings for females. By assigning sex to feelings, erotic behavior came to be differentiated by sex. Previously, 'homosexual' behaviours were already existing in different societies but they were not condemned as the main point of contestation was not the biological sex. It was not same-sex v.s. different-sex.

In ancient Greece, it was Earthly love v.s. Heavenly love. Heavenly love refers to feelings for the beauty of boys, a superior object. Men were free to have pleasurable intimacies with both women and boys. It may seem gross and vile in today's context but we certainly cannot use our modern-day yardsticks to measure the morality of their acts. Neither is our heterosexual/homosexual polarity - social organisation of sexed difference - appropriate in determining the Greek men's sexuality. "The Greeks did not see love for one’s own sex and love for the other sex as opposites, as two exclusive choices, two radically different types of behaviour." Bisexuality is also not the best adjective to describe their practice as there are no two competing drives in a dual structure. It is simply free choice based on "the appetite that nature had implanted in man's heart for 'beautiful' human beings, whatever their sex."

Perhaps this fluidity is why some people are hesitant to label themselves any term with regards to sexuality. I go for someone who is beautiful regardless of the sex, so why should I be forced to a category in a binary that does not accurately capture the fluidity of sexual preferences? If a man loves a man because he is beautiful, what is so abnormal about it? Why should anyone be subjected to verbal (and even physical) abuse because he/she loves someone? There is an article I read for this module that accurately highlights the vulnerability of heterosexuality. "Could it be that restrictions of same-sex couples originate because we are so unsure about the steadiness of our heterosexuality that we feel extending heterosexual institutions to same-sex couples will endanger heterosexuality itself?" Standing ovation for this quote. Most people realise at some point of time that they have a flexible sexual self. Women can turn 'lesbians' and then become 'straight' again. 

Indeed, gender offers a very narrow conception of sexualities. Imagine a world where time, aesthetics, or generations define sexualities. For example, you can have sexual relations with anybody who is +/- 5 years from your age, regardless of the person's gender. And it implies that anyone who sleeps with a person who is 10 years younger is abnormal. How different will the world be? An academic tries to capture the wide spectrum of sexualities using a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being totally heterosexual and 6 being totally homosexual, and 3 being "you don't care what comes through the door". Take some time to think and rethink, you will be surprised by your own value judgement. 

I am not arguing that gender or sex is irrelevant to sexualities. It does form the bulk of our understanding of sexualities. We cannot just look at social relations and deny the legitimacy of our biological parts. In fact, because of the differences in biological capacity, there exists disparities between men and women's sexual hierarchy. I will not go too deep into that in this post, but if you are up for a discussion with me, I am too. Last but not least, I would like to end with this quote from a reading: "In conclusion, I think it is clear that if heterosexuality were indelible, easy to achieve, and easy to keep, we wouldn't make all this fuss over it."