Social butterfly - NOT

Contrary to popular belief, I am a socially awkward person.

Not kidding you. That's why first tutorials are always so nerve-wrecking to me. Having to think of an interesting fact about myself for self-introduction adds on to the stress. ERM "I ate my own shit when I was young but I grew up to be quite smart so maybe you guys should try it too"?? Hahahaha. Do I immediately have your attention? 

"I am a lot fatter than I look so I'm the perfect example of 'don't judge a book by its cover'"?

"I can speak English with Malaysian accent so erm, if you guys want a diversity of representations in class I can put it on"? 

"I have an English name but I'll prefer you guys to call me by my Chinese name." 

Okay. The last one is not interesting BUT it's the most important. For once, I tried to get my tutor to call me HC but he's a Japanese so he's really bad with Chinese names. So I have no choice but to go by my English name. Still, he pronounced it in a really strange way and cracked the whole class up. He can just call me charmander sua. Hahaha. So far, I already had two tutorials and they went pretty well. I feel especially stressed in most of my political science tutorials because pure class participation (no presentation) makes up 20% of my final grades. I'll get very annoyed with myself if I have something to say but my mouth remains tightly sealed :< Thankfully, I had a good start and did speak up in both tutorials :)

Back to proclaiming myself as a socially awkward person.. I bumped into my favourite prof from last semester recently and I just couldn't think of anything smart to say on the spot so I just. Kept saying I miss her?! HAHA. And we had a few moments of awkward silence. To be honest, even when I talk to my friends, I say a lot of nonsense to fill up the gaps sometimes because I don't want people to think I am boring. It's not very obvious when I do that because people just think I am a joke LOL. Whenever my grandparents tell us stories of how we were like when we're young, they will always say that I was like a woodblock, doot doot one, always living in my own world, as compared to my older sister who jumped at every chance to get out of house and go shopping with my grandpa. Haha. My grandma says that when there were guests in the house, I'd give them blank faces and walk tiny steps back into my room silently. HAHA. Well even though I have evolved to become a sociable person today, I can only speak my mind freely without having to consciously think of what to say, and share comfortable silence with a few people, whom I can count with fingers in one hand. Still pretty much in my own world, yeah. That's why I feel very happy when I have smooth conversations with someone. I can feel it in my bones if a conversation is good. 

Like most people, I am already contended with my current social circle and I can picture who are the ones who are going to stay with me for the rest of my life. But I still want to meet new people! These people can inspire you and push you to become a better person in new ways. They may introduce new things to your life which are beyond your imagination, make you question about things commonly accepted by you and your friends and just spice up your life in general! I guess, this is why I have undying energy to go out there and form new friendships, despite having to overcome awkward social barriers. LOL. And it'll be a serendipity if I happen to just discover someone who connects with me very well by chance :) 

Shall look forward to it~ 

If only love was enough, then I could reach you, I would reach you

And hey! Not forgetting quotes and songs!! Omg, super got the feel to blog because I found two very awesome songs on the SAME day recently, like what are the chances right!! Ah. Serendipity. When you discover something desirable by accident. When no expectations are involved, and that thing, that person just prop up in your life magically and shout "surprise!" Wow. Haha notice how many exclamation marks I have already used in a single paragraph. And the songs by different singers connect with each other so perfectly I can't wait to play them for you. So here's the first one I chanced upon: Cue The Sun by Daphne Loves Derby. Please notice how the lyrics of both songs match each other T_T

If I find my way through the darkest of days,
Will I laugh about the things that kept me awake?
But if my greatest fear paints itself so crystal clear,
Will I run away or will I hide?

And if I don't come home tonight,
Just know I tried my best to fight.
Please don't think I plan to lose to the night.
And curse the moon so dull and bright,
My heavy soul can't stand the light.
It burns me straight to the bones, my bones

In the desert sun I watched my nerves come undone.
One by one my strings they tangled into knots.
And ever since that day, deep in Santa Fe.
I've learned to hate myself for giving everything away.

And if I don't come home tonight,
Just know I tried my best to fight.
Please don't think I plan to lose to the night.
And curse the moon so dull and bright,
My heavy soul can't stand the light.
It burns me straight to the bones, my bones

Daylight comes in the nick of time 
Shines some light into the darkest corners of her mind 
All the world is, all the world is weighing down on you 

Piece by piece, it all falls away 
All this beauty, all this magic 'til there's nothing there 
If only love was enough, I could reach you, I would reach you 

I know I'm not tired of you, but maybe you got tired of me 
It seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away 
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey 
Oh no - won't you please come on home 

Oh, I've been missing you, you got lost along the way 
Oh maybe you aren't lost; it's still in you some way 
If only love was enough, I could reach you, I would reach you 

I know I'm not tired of you, but maybe you got tired of me 
It seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away 
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey 
Oh no - won't you please come on home 

Seems like every little thing I do makes you pull yourself away 
So I'm waiting for the sun, but you only see the grey 
Oh no - won't you please come on home 

If only love was enough, I would reach you, I could reach you

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So beautiful. The lyrics of both songs are such beautiful poems. If you examine the lyrics of the second song carefully, it's as if he's singing to the singer of the first song. "Cue the sun!" and then the lyrics of "Lost" begin with "Daylight comes in the nick of time.." O M G. I can't chill man, I can't. And then Cameron Mitchell went on to sing "So I'm waiting for the sun but you only see the grey" which is like in response to "my heavy soul can't stand the light". I hope you see this connection the same way as I do. And hopefully, appreciate the songs as much as I do too :)

I was telling a close friend of mine about these songs today and she shared an opinion with me which makes a lot of sense. She said that sometimes when you listen to a song, you don't relate to it at that point of time, like you didn't see the song the way you do now back then. But after having been through certain experiences, listening to the same song again gives you a very different feel. It's like, suddenly you can connect with it very well. BOOM! Hahaha. Shit I'm talking very incoherently now but that's just the way I am la. I don't want to beautify my language and shit anymore. Sometime ago I came across this quote and I couldn't agree with it more:

Especially "I love reading someone else's words and finding a connection with them" and of course, "I love the feeling a good song evokes". Woah.

Honestly, I think I always fall a little bit in love with someone after reading their writings. You know, when you chance upon one person's personal blog and start reading about their thoughts and how they see the world, how much rawness they actually reveal, which is very different from how they present themselves in the real world...my heart just can't help melting away. Especially if the person does not even bother to edit, like I can tell that he/she was just typing away what's on the mind and what's in their hearts. The rare moments when their hearts are actually in their heads. This is what attracts me the most. Honestly. When one is not afraid of showing his/her vulnerabilities like just baring their chests and not crying for attention...you have my heart man. It's like what this quote suggests: "Someone once told me that human beings have three dimensions: how you see yourself, how others see you and how you want others to see you. The closer the distance between these three dimensions, the more at peace you are and the more stable you become." People who speak their minds on their private blog give me the vibe that they are comfortable with being who they are in their own personal space. And they are not afraid of being judged by anyone who happens to see their writing - the "SO WHAT?" kind of attitude. 

Haha. I just posted a photo of my drawing of a heart popping out of a bare chest on Instagram. The quotes I shared in the caption are basically how I feel about rawness and vulnerabilities too :) I wish people can be brave and just say what they wanna say. You know, like the lyrics in "Brave" by Sara Bareilles. It's not easy, and yes, it takes trust to reveal something personal about yourself. If you anyhow go around "show and tell", then you're basically an attention-seeker already. Haha. Got difference de right. So yeah, I hope for everybody in this world to have someone, at least one person, that they are not afraid of showing their insecurities and shortcomings. I'm glad I have a few :) And when I count my lucky stars, I count them twice, thrice, more.

You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run

I have so many drafts on many things I want to share about, like my BKK trip but I haven't found the right mood to finish writing on a single event. And I was just thinking to myself, sadness is truly the one motivation that fuels writing. Whenever I'm feeling lost/down/perplexed, I'll be able to sit still and concentrate on pouring out my emotions. I guess that's why there is this saying that most writers are sad, and most sad people are writers. Something like that??? Hahaha. And that "poetry is to disturb the comforted and comfort the disturbed." So I should take my fading pensiveness as a good sign that I'm feeling happier now right? Damn, there goes my poet dream. 

So anyway, just want to share a song that has been very soothing to my soul :) Thanks hyung! This song works for me (too). I believe he is singing about/to God and the lyrics are beautiful. It's awesomest feeling when you find out that somebody else can relate to and connect with the same songs as you do. So let me be greedy and wish for 2015 to let me meet more new people who share the same music taste as me! 







There's so much craziness surrounding me,
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me,
You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of my priorities,
When I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
And like holy water washing over me,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak,
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
You are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand,
You've got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you're shining in the distance,
I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can run,
You make it real for me

And I am running to you baby,
'Cause you are the only one who saves me
That's why I've been missing you lately,
'Cause you make it real for me
You make it real for me

"Soul" in Soldier On

Have been a busy bee ever since the year has started, so I'm slightly late. But okay here comes the Reflection/New Year Resolution post!! I have never ever completed this before LOL, but 2015 calls for a change. Haha I can't even remember when was the last time I felt excited about a new year, until the recent sleepover party. We were literally gripping one another's arms as the countdown began and shouting to one another's ears like cows gone mad. HAHAHA. 

In 2014, I've grown up a lot. In 2015, I'm hopeful :)

1) Handle trust with absolute care 

People share things with each other for many reasons but one basic reason has to be their trust in one to keep their secrets safe. Anything personal, no matter how seemingly insignificant it sounds, is private and should be respected as one's secret. I am resolute to not do anything that would make my loved ones feel insecure again. I kinda used to take their trust for granted because I know they see me as a good listener and a dependable person who will go the extra mile to help them out in any possible way. I do believe I am. But sometimes because of the way I am around people, I could be really reckless and behave in a certain manner that inevitably shakes their trust in me. I may not have really done something that betrays their trust but it is enough for their insecurities to surface and overwhelm them. They must have felt really vulnerable and exposed and that feeling must have sucked big, big time. It's my job at every moment of my being to make them feel assured and never this insecure. It could be a harmless slip of tongue at a moment that "feels right" but this could hardly be used as a justification to shirk my responsibility. No moment is ever right when it involves breaching of trust. So, I am terribly sorry for ever making you feel this way. I have learnt from a painful lesson. Hence, in the year ahead, I never want to put anyone who still trusts me in that position ever again. Trust does not come free and easy. I have to be much more careful with my words and actions and draw certain lines clearly, to reassure my loved ones that they can always feel safe like home with me. 

Can I just emphasise...that the consequences of being reckless with my words and who I speak to, have really cost me a lot in the past year. I hope that by writing this revelation down, I can consciously learn from my mistake. I will really make the effort to be more careful in everything and handle trust with absolute care. 

2) Spend more time with my family and do more for them 

In the second semester of 2014, I moved out of hostel and returned to the comfort and warmth of my home. Yet, I still did not quite spend quality time with them at home as I was out studying and hanging out with my pals most of the time. I'm glad I made up for the lost time with them in my first BKK trip (LOL) of December before the year ended :) I looked at my sisters and I felt ashamed of how little I had contributed to the family (other than studying hard to not let my parents and myself down). My younger sister is always experimenting and whipping up new dishes for the family, and while she is still insensible in certain ways, her genuine care and concern for us all really humbled me. On the other hand, my older sister is always looking out for deals and arranging family trips inclusive of my grandparents, so that we can spend quality time together and be a more cohesive and functional family. Well, I believe every family has its fair share of problems and I'm just glad that things are starting to take a chance for the better for my family :) Hopefully, a more committed me can continue this trend into 2015. 

3) Learn to take things less personally, especially for the people I care dearly for 

You know how sometimes you care too much about one person's opinions and feelings, that you end up overthinking and reaching the conclusion that the problem lies solely with you, so you try too damn hard to fix it and prove it to them, that you eventually become so pushy and so annoying you only drive the people you love even further away? 

This long sentence which I typed in one shot with my breath held sums up my entire emotional being perfectly. Hahaha. We often care too much about what other people think and say of us. Indeed in this highly wired world, our behaviours are heavily scrutinised by the society and one wrong move made can "ruin" the rest of your life. However, in 2014, I learnt that nahhh, people don't say or do things to you with the grand master plan of bringing you down; their worlds do not revolve around us. People gossip and bitch about others for their own entertainment and all these shall pass. What matters, is to always stay true to ourselves. Also, do not get paranoid when things don't appear to go in our way. For example, when your loved ones do not reply, it can be as simple as them wanting some time alone, or just plain lazy, not always because you said something wrong or that you are boring. 

So, stop pushing all the blame to yourself and jump into an abyss of self-pity - this is what I had learnt quite sometime ago and 2014 allowed me to put it into practice :)

4) Be more responsible 

When you are responsible, all other remarkable qualities will follow. A responsible person is not only accountable for his/her own actions or take the blame when things go wrong. It is not about the 'ending' per se that reveals one's responsibility. It's a whole bloody long process right from the start till the end. I strive to be the kind of responsible person who takes pride in work, manages time well and is answerable to everybody in whichever team I am in.

5) Do only the things I am passionate about, and work really hard for my dreams 

Diving into RAG with absolutely no inkling of what it entails and captures has taught me that passion is really necessary to do something remarkably well. Why commit yourself to something and then settle for mediocrity? It just doesn't make sense right. Summer was burnt very badly..but I'm glad to have made a few good friends out of this tiresome experience :) Now I'm just thankful that this December holiday has really given me the much needed break and hence, the chance to explore more about myself - where my interests lie and what I want to do for long term outside of my studies. You shall see what I'm up to, once I get the drive going :D Also, I'm incredibly thankful to have chosen the right major because it is really my field of interest and strength :) so thankful to have done consistently well despite all odds against me in that dreadful semester!! 

6) Give second chances 

People have this conception that I am very friendly and can click easily with everyone. Well, I am quite the social butterfly they imagine me to be, dancing around and entertaining whoever is present. However, I am turning less capable of doing such little dance... One thing I have grown to dislike myself is that I'm becoming more selective and even judgmental (pardon me) as I age. 

I wish for myself to not pass judgement on people too quickly. Give people second chances, or more. First impressions can be negative, but don't "sentence people to death penalty" straight away. Keep an open mind and accept that we are but fallible humans with "flaws stitched together with good intentions". Also, when things fail, try again. Never ever ever ever bail on people whom I love when things get hard. When everything fails, love will carry us through :) It has got to be love, before patience and forgiveness.

7) Be a blessing to the people around me

I hope to continue to put my humour to good use and make whoever has my company laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine to any ills. If you can laugh in a difficult situation, you'll definitely be able to overcome it. And I want to be there for my loved ones through it all. When they don't need advices, I will simply listen. When they just want my company, I'll sit with them in silence. When they want to have fun, I'll bring them on an adventure. Yep, to always support my friends and family in whichever way best suited for the moment. 


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I took a long time to craft this post and halfway through I had really wanted to give up. I felt so much pain reviewing my life in the past year and going through every bit of experiences that have made me who I am today. It's so painful. And I told a close friend: "Giving so much of myself hurts." It really hurt. I remember feeling "no, I don't want to be this transparent, raw, honest and open about my feelings anymore. Being sincere has gotten me nowhere. I just want to be a recluse and stop myself from caring about anything that breathes." This feeling almost sank in and made itself at home in my heart. Then I remembered all the times I've felt this way in the past and laughed it off. It's just not my character to give up on matters of heart upon losses. I will always choose to give, give and give rather than waiting to receive.  

“Every thing that you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form.” This quote is so so so, beautiful. I've lost a lot in 2014, and while the experiences have shaped me to work towards becoming a better person, I really miss the things I had lost and still do keep them buried deep down my heart. As the poem titled "Losing You" in Lullabies by Lang Leav aptly puts it, "Losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again." It is never easy to let go of someone whom I have held dearly to. How to, when those memories can not ever be replicated and that you will never feel the same way towards each other again? But, I do believe in the good in goodbyes :) "Some things fall apart so that better things can fall into place." Ecclesiastes 3 - "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. And He has made everything beautiful in its time." I am not a religious person, but I do believe in a higher being, and that destiny and fate help determine how the world works. What we had is all beautiful in its time - be it the happy memories or sufferings, and it's only right for us to set each other free when we hit the rut. Then only, can love return in a new healthy form in the future. 

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." To end off the post, I'd like to give thanks. I'm incredibly thankful for all my friends who have accompanied me through my heartaches and downfalls - when I was down on my knees and at my worst, when I was close to breaking down into bread crumbles, when I was...just not the usual happy pill you know. Old or new, lost or remain - thank you guys for picking up what's left of me and love me the same <3  I wish for good health for my friends and family, and to become the better person I want myself to be :) Happy new year everyone!