Have been a busy bee ever since the year has started, so I'm slightly late. But okay here comes the Reflection/New Year Resolution post!! I have never ever completed this before LOL, but 2015 calls for a change. Haha I can't even remember when was the last time I felt excited about a new year, until the recent sleepover party. We were literally gripping one another's arms as the countdown began and shouting to one another's ears like cows gone mad. HAHAHA.
In 2014, I've grown up a lot. In 2015, I'm hopeful :)
In 2014, I've grown up a lot. In 2015, I'm hopeful :)
1) Handle trust with absolute care
People share things with each other for many reasons but one basic reason has to be their trust in one to keep their secrets safe. Anything personal, no matter how seemingly insignificant it sounds, is private and should be respected as one's secret. I am resolute to not do anything that would make my loved ones feel insecure again. I kinda used to take their trust for granted because I know they see me as a good listener and a dependable person who will go the extra mile to help them out in any possible way. I do believe I am. But sometimes because of the way I am around people, I could be really reckless and behave in a certain manner that inevitably shakes their trust in me. I may not have really done something that betrays their trust but it is enough for their insecurities to surface and overwhelm them. They must have felt really vulnerable and exposed and that feeling must have sucked big, big time. It's my job at every moment of my being to make them feel assured and never this insecure. It could be a harmless slip of tongue at a moment that "feels right" but this could hardly be used as a justification to shirk my responsibility. No moment is ever right when it involves breaching of trust. So, I am terribly sorry for ever making you feel this way. I have learnt from a painful lesson. Hence, in the year ahead, I never want to put anyone who still trusts me in that position ever again. Trust does not come free and easy. I have to be much more careful with my words and actions and draw certain lines clearly, to reassure my loved ones that they can always feel safe like home with me.
People share things with each other for many reasons but one basic reason has to be their trust in one to keep their secrets safe. Anything personal, no matter how seemingly insignificant it sounds, is private and should be respected as one's secret. I am resolute to not do anything that would make my loved ones feel insecure again. I kinda used to take their trust for granted because I know they see me as a good listener and a dependable person who will go the extra mile to help them out in any possible way. I do believe I am. But sometimes because of the way I am around people, I could be really reckless and behave in a certain manner that inevitably shakes their trust in me. I may not have really done something that betrays their trust but it is enough for their insecurities to surface and overwhelm them. They must have felt really vulnerable and exposed and that feeling must have sucked big, big time. It's my job at every moment of my being to make them feel assured and never this insecure. It could be a harmless slip of tongue at a moment that "feels right" but this could hardly be used as a justification to shirk my responsibility. No moment is ever right when it involves breaching of trust. So, I am terribly sorry for ever making you feel this way. I have learnt from a painful lesson. Hence, in the year ahead, I never want to put anyone who still trusts me in that position ever again. Trust does not come free and easy. I have to be much more careful with my words and actions and draw certain lines clearly, to reassure my loved ones that they can always feel safe like home with me.
Can I just emphasise...that the consequences of being reckless with my words and who I speak to, have really cost me a lot in the past year. I hope that by writing this revelation down, I can consciously learn from my mistake. I will really make the effort to be more careful in everything and handle trust with absolute care.
2) Spend more time with my family and do more for them
In the second semester of 2014, I moved out of hostel and returned to the comfort and warmth of my home. Yet, I still did not quite spend quality time with them at home as I was out studying and hanging out with my pals most of the time. I'm glad I made up for the lost time with them in my first BKK trip (LOL) of December before the year ended :) I looked at my sisters and I felt ashamed of how little I had contributed to the family (other than studying hard to not let my parents and myself down). My younger sister is always experimenting and whipping up new dishes for the family, and while she is still insensible in certain ways, her genuine care and concern for us all really humbled me. On the other hand, my older sister is always looking out for deals and arranging family trips inclusive of my grandparents, so that we can spend quality time together and be a more cohesive and functional family. Well, I believe every family has its fair share of problems and I'm just glad that things are starting to take a chance for the better for my family :) Hopefully, a more committed me can continue this trend into 2015.
3) Learn to take things less personally, especially for the people I care dearly for
You know how sometimes you care too much about one person's opinions and feelings, that you end up overthinking and reaching the conclusion that the problem lies solely with you, so you try too damn hard to fix it and prove it to them, that you eventually become so pushy and so annoying you only drive the people you love even further away?
This long sentence which I typed in one shot with my breath held sums up my entire emotional being perfectly. Hahaha. We often care too much about what other people think and say of us. Indeed in this highly wired world, our behaviours are heavily scrutinised by the society and one wrong move made can "ruin" the rest of your life. However, in 2014, I learnt that nahhh, people don't say or do things to you with the grand master plan of bringing you down; their worlds do not revolve around us. People gossip and bitch about others for their own entertainment and all these shall pass. What matters, is to always stay true to ourselves. Also, do not get paranoid when things don't appear to go in our way. For example, when your loved ones do not reply, it can be as simple as them wanting some time alone, or just plain lazy, not always because you said something wrong or that you are boring.
So, stop pushing all the blame to yourself and jump into an abyss of self-pity - this is what I had learnt quite sometime ago and 2014 allowed me to put it into practice :)
4) Be more responsible
When you are responsible, all other remarkable qualities will follow. A responsible person is not only accountable for his/her own actions or take the blame when things go wrong. It is not about the 'ending' per se that reveals one's responsibility. It's a whole bloody long process right from the start till the end. I strive to be the kind of responsible person who takes pride in work, manages time well and is answerable to everybody in whichever team I am in.
When you are responsible, all other remarkable qualities will follow. A responsible person is not only accountable for his/her own actions or take the blame when things go wrong. It is not about the 'ending' per se that reveals one's responsibility. It's a whole bloody long process right from the start till the end. I strive to be the kind of responsible person who takes pride in work, manages time well and is answerable to everybody in whichever team I am in.
5) Do only the things I am passionate about, and work really hard for my dreams
Diving into RAG with absolutely no inkling of what it entails and captures has taught me that passion is really necessary to do something remarkably well. Why commit yourself to something and then settle for mediocrity? It just doesn't make sense right. Summer was burnt very badly..but I'm glad to have made a few good friends out of this tiresome experience :) Now I'm just thankful that this December holiday has really given me the much needed break and hence, the chance to explore more about myself - where my interests lie and what I want to do for long term outside of my studies. You shall see what I'm up to, once I get the drive going :D Also, I'm incredibly thankful to have chosen the right major because it is really my field of interest and strength :) so thankful to have done consistently well despite all odds against me in that dreadful semester!!
6) Give second chances
People have this conception that I am very friendly and can click easily with everyone. Well, I am quite the social butterfly they imagine me to be, dancing around and entertaining whoever is present. However, I am turning less capable of doing such little dance... One thing I have grown to dislike myself is that I'm becoming more selective and even judgmental (pardon me) as I age.
I wish for myself to not pass judgement on people too quickly. Give people second chances, or more. First impressions can be negative, but don't "sentence people to death penalty" straight away. Keep an open mind and accept that we are but fallible humans with "flaws stitched together with good intentions". Also, when things fail, try again. Never ever ever ever bail on people whom I love when things get hard. When everything fails, love will carry us through :) It has got to be love, before patience and forgiveness.
7) Be a blessing to the people around me
I hope to continue to put my humour to good use and make whoever has my company laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine to any ills. If you can laugh in a difficult situation, you'll definitely be able to overcome it. And I want to be there for my loved ones through it all. When they don't need advices, I will simply listen. When they just want my company, I'll sit with them in silence. When they want to have fun, I'll bring them on an adventure. Yep, to always support my friends and family in whichever way best suited for the moment.
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I took a long time to craft this post and halfway through I had really wanted to give up. I felt so much pain reviewing my life in the past year and going through every bit of experiences that have made me who I am today. It's so painful. And I told a close friend: "Giving so much of myself hurts." It really hurt. I remember feeling "no, I don't want to be this transparent, raw, honest and open about my feelings anymore. Being sincere has gotten me nowhere. I just want to be a recluse and stop myself from caring about anything that breathes." This feeling almost sank in and made itself at home in my heart. Then I remembered all the times I've felt this way in the past and laughed it off. It's just not my character to give up on matters of heart upon losses. I will always choose to give, give and give rather than waiting to receive.
“Every thing that you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form.” This quote is so so so, beautiful. I've lost a lot in 2014, and while the experiences have shaped me to work towards becoming a better person, I really miss the things I had lost and still do keep them buried deep down my heart. As the poem titled "Losing You" in Lullabies by Lang Leav aptly puts it, "Losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again." It is never easy to let go of someone whom I have held dearly to. How to, when those memories can not ever be replicated and that you will never feel the same way towards each other again? But, I do believe in the good in goodbyes :) "Some things fall apart so that better things can fall into place." Ecclesiastes 3 - "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. And He has made everything beautiful in its time." I am not a religious person, but I do believe in a higher being, and that destiny and fate help determine how the world works. What we had is all beautiful in its time - be it the happy memories or sufferings, and it's only right for us to set each other free when we hit the rut. Then only, can love return in a new healthy form in the future.
"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude." To end off the post, I'd like to give thanks. I'm incredibly thankful for all my friends who have accompanied me through my heartaches and downfalls - when I was down on my knees and at my worst, when I was close to breaking down into bread crumbles, when I was...just not the usual happy pill you know. Old or new, lost or remain - thank you guys for picking up what's left of me and love me the same <3 I wish for good health for my friends and family, and to become the better person I want myself to be :) Happy new year everyone!
I wish for myself to not pass judgement on people too quickly. Give people second chances, or more. First impressions can be negative, but don't "sentence people to death penalty" straight away. Keep an open mind and accept that we are but fallible humans with "flaws stitched together with good intentions". Also, when things fail, try again. Never ever ever ever bail on people whom I love when things get hard. When everything fails, love will carry us through :) It has got to be love, before patience and forgiveness.
7) Be a blessing to the people around me
I hope to continue to put my humour to good use and make whoever has my company laugh. Laughter is truly the best medicine to any ills. If you can laugh in a difficult situation, you'll definitely be able to overcome it. And I want to be there for my loved ones through it all. When they don't need advices, I will simply listen. When they just want my company, I'll sit with them in silence. When they want to have fun, I'll bring them on an adventure. Yep, to always support my friends and family in whichever way best suited for the moment.
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I took a long time to craft this post and halfway through I had really wanted to give up. I felt so much pain reviewing my life in the past year and going through every bit of experiences that have made me who I am today. It's so painful. And I told a close friend: "Giving so much of myself hurts." It really hurt. I remember feeling "no, I don't want to be this transparent, raw, honest and open about my feelings anymore. Being sincere has gotten me nowhere. I just want to be a recluse and stop myself from caring about anything that breathes." This feeling almost sank in and made itself at home in my heart. Then I remembered all the times I've felt this way in the past and laughed it off. It's just not my character to give up on matters of heart upon losses. I will always choose to give, give and give rather than waiting to receive.
“Every thing that you love, you will eventually lose, but in the end, love will return in a different form.” This quote is so so so, beautiful. I've lost a lot in 2014, and while the experiences have shaped me to work towards becoming a better person, I really miss the things I had lost and still do keep them buried deep down my heart. As the poem titled "Losing You" in Lullabies by Lang Leav aptly puts it, "Losing someone isn't an occasion or an event. It doesn't just happen once. It happens over and over again." It is never easy to let go of someone whom I have held dearly to. How to, when those memories can not ever be replicated and that you will never feel the same way towards each other again? But, I do believe in the good in goodbyes :) "Some things fall apart so that better things can fall into place." Ecclesiastes 3 - "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. And He has made everything beautiful in its time." I am not a religious person, but I do believe in a higher being, and that destiny and fate help determine how the world works. What we had is all beautiful in its time - be it the happy memories or sufferings, and it's only right for us to set each other free when we hit the rut. Then only, can love return in a new healthy form in the future.
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