Intimacy.

I struggled a lot with intimacy while growing up. As my grandma loves to share at family gatherings, I used to live in my own world without giving a hoot about my surroundings as a kid. My older sister would wail and run after my grandad as he stepped out of the house, demanding to be brought along on his errands, while I would turn my back against the noise and continue to play with myself.  My indifference did not, however, interfere with my ability to socialise. I am superficially an extrovert, and I draw energy from a well of people. The problem only arises when I sense that they are coming "too close", physically and emotionally.

Do I shun intimacy? No, I crave and fear it.

I never really understood the part of me which desired to be in close proximity with people but be left alone. It's only years later when my younger sister quizzed me on my attachment style, did I discover that I could be defined as a "Fearful Avoidant" type, and my behavioural patterns are shared by other precious humans. "I want you, but go away" is my motto for relationships.

"Fearful Avoidant" is one of the four key styles of attachment in the Attachment Theory first developed by psychologist John Bowlby in 1958. The theory studies close relationships between people, and how your interactions are influenced by relationships with your caregivers in your early childhood years. The other styles are "Secure", "Anxious", and "Avoidant". Ostensibly, the "Fearful Avoidant" is the most conflicting of all. It is a constant tussle between wanting and rejecting closeness. It is fine if you want something, you go for it. It is just as fine if you do not want something, you say no. How do you reconcile wanting something but battling against receiving it?

I still enjoy the invisible "do not enter" sphere I've carved out for myself. It seems to serve as an armour, protecting me against unwarranted intrusions. But I guess I have to learn how to better draw boundaries, instead of shoving people who want to care for me.

I often find myself retreating to this space when there is nothing left for me to lose but everything to feel. It took a while but I am finally feeling this ache in my heart that is hammering away the lump of muscles. I have difficulty catching my breath from time to time.

there is this ball of mess in my chest now that is suppressing my lungs. i can't breathe very well. and i have no idea how to get it out of my system. life is too difficult. relationships are too damn hard. 

i just want to be happy, kind and comfortable in my own skin, starting from this year. i am done trying to put on a mask for someone. i want to live. i want to breathe properly again. 

gah, my heart hurts so badly.