Love is Free

"You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free."

                                                                                                          -Thich Nhat Hanh

During the semester, while on the way to eat XO beehoon, hyung and I talked about relationships. I was sharing with her about a friend of mine who broke up with her boyfriend recently because of a clash of personalities. She's free-spirited, independent and one who appreciates personal space, while the guy is controlling, possessive and insecure. I was just asking hyung, how is it possible that they didn't find out about this incompatibility when they were getting to know each other during the dating stage? In dramas, we see couples breaking up because of the same reason: 性格不合 (clash of personalities). Everytime this reason is brought up, I would have doubts on it. A breakup can happen due to cheating, gradual loss of feelings, but clash of personalities...??? Oh come on..how could two persons with a clash of personalities click, have so much fun, and trust each other enough to want to commit to each other in the first place? A clash of personalities does not seem to suffice as a legitimate reason. 

I thought, only couples who rush into relationships will face this problem.

And I was so wrong. 

Even for people who have struggled, deliberated for a long time before committing to a relationship can ultimately face this problem of having a clash of personalities with their partner. A really simplified reason being, there is always something new to learn about a person everyday- whether from their silence or words, action or inaction. It takes different circumstances to bring out a different side of a person. That's why couples have disagreements from time to time, over new situations that only surface after they enter the relationship.  

The initial phase of a relationship is always sweet - the honeymoon period. Over time, as the attachment grows stronger, expectations may inflate out of proportion and become misaligned. Rather than saying the person has changed, it will be more accurate to say that the person becomes more revealing of himself/herself. The closer you get to someone, the more clearly you will see his or her insecurities and fatigue. That's when the "ugly" "messy" side of a person surfaces, and you are confronted with the question of "do I really know this person I am with?" 

Hyung said to me: "Maybe as a scorpio, I can't really wrap my head around people who are needy and possessive. I mean, won't they need their own space too?"

I nodded my head in silence and pondered over what she said. 

Me: "They need their space too. But they are willing to sacrifice it to be there for you. They will hate to miss a single minute of not being around if something were to happen to you." 

Hyung: "Are you talking about yourself?"

(LOL. Wow friend, you got me there man.)

Me: "OK FINE. People like US, want to be in control. We want to know the things you do, who you talk to, what do you like and not like, and get into the good books of your friends. Maybe because.. we think that by doing so, we can put together different sides to you, have a more comprehensive knowledge of you, in the hope that ultimately..we can be better for you." 

Hyung: "But there should be a healthy distance. People of my kind need some time and space alone to recharge."

Me: "I guess it's not easy to find someone who knows when to give you the time and space. Because you'll not be very obvious about it. By the time you are obvious about it, it is when you already decided that you have had enough. And it is too late. So that someone must really understand you, your small little actions, reactions and expressions."

After all, I feel that..I am not ready to love yet. When in love, I tend to become too emotionally charged in a way that it overpowers my logical thinking. I can't rationalise things as usual, and I take a long time to realign my thoughts only to have them thrown into clutter over and over again. Indeed, to fall in love is to lose a little bit of control and become vulnerable. Sometimes, things escalate too quickly and out of a sudden, you find yourself gone way off the rails.

The more you lose control, the more you want to be in control.

I do not have that emotional maturity and maybe even self-confidence yet, to love someone without suffocating that person.

I ought to work on myself first.

"When we are together, you make me feel like my mind is free, my dreams are reachable."                                                                                                                                                               - The One by Kodaline 

I came to perceive love to be simple as such. I just want to be this kind of person, you know. Someone who makes the loved one feel enamoured and free at the same time, such as to "drown in your love and not feel your reign". On a side note, I feel really cheesy now typing away about my perspective on love. LOL /cringe/

Yeah, I am definitely not ready for romantic love now. But I do feel that the love I shared with my friends is very liberating.

Based on my life experiences so far, I conclude that the role I play best is still a good friend. Not a student, because I always procrastinate and may not even put in 100% effort for assignments. Not a family member, because sometimes I take them for granted. But for friends, I always give my best. A good friend who is just there, and does not come too close. Yet when needed, a good friend who goes the extra mile to lend you a helping hand and puts humour to good use effortessly to make you laugh. Whatever your other half is willing to do for you, I will gladly do it too. It's just subtracting away the part on romantic feelings and expectations. And wow, things are so much better this way.



Kodaline - Love Will Set You Free (Live from The Hospital Club) 

I’m sure you’re probably busy getting on with your new life
So far away from
So far away from

When everything we used to say was wrong is now alright
Where has the time gone
Where has the time gone

If you’re ever feeling lonely
If you’re ever feeling down
You should know you’re not the only one ‘cause I feel it with you now
When the world is on your shoulders and you’re falling to your knees
Oh please
You know love will set you free

The more I live, the more I know, I’ve got to live without
This ain’t no sad song
Life has to go on

I have been hooked onto this song recently. Ah, that rush I felt in my heart when I discovered it. How beautiful the lyrics are eh? :') Personally, I can't relate to them more. These are exactly the words I would have said if I could. So thank you, Kodaline. 

Yep, love will set us free~