Beef

I haven't written and expressed my personal thoughts, observations and feelings in a while. 

Today, I will write about a phase I am going through (hopefully what I am feeling will last shorter than a "phase"). So, I have been losing my patience and interest more easily these days. Synonyms would be - quick to anger, more easily annoyed, and short-fused. 

What exactly am I rushing for that reduces my tolerance for people/incidents that are supposedly wasting my time? 

It is easy to blame it on my job - I have jumpy bosses since the very first day of joining this organisation. A supervisor once called me at 9.20am to chase for a "mark-up" on a news report. Every task, regardless of its actual significance, always seemed to be "urgent". In a way, it helped to encourage efficiency and prevent work from piling up. But mostly, it just turned the workplace into an unenjoyable environment. 

Maybe subconsciously, it shaped my expectation for other people around me, going beyond the sphere of work. I lose patience at drivers who stop abruptly in front of me while I am riding. I lose patience at my colleagues making ambiguous or unnecessarily (in my opinion) long remarks. I am extremely impatient when I have to repeat myself. 

It unnerved me that I have become such an unforgiving person. When I was in school, my friends used to see me as an easygoing person without a temper. But now, I get grumpy and snap at people. I do not like this version of me.

Maybe I just need a proper break, and some space.

Recently, I watched a Netflix show called "Beef" which examines how two characters from different ends of the social strata share the same feelings of lostness, wistfulness, and rage. It started with them getting into a road rage, spiralling into an unhealthy revenge, and then unsurprisingly, forming a deep connection at the end. Why are we so angry these days? What is making us depressed? "Everything fades" - this is the key message of the protagonists. Even when both characters get to a good stage of their lives at one point, they feel uneasy, unsettled, and perturbed. The female character is aware that she is depressed, while the male (and brusque) character refuses to confront it. There are also other interesting characters in the show that bring out different sides of human nature/common human behaviours. 

 ==

I wrote the above proses in April. 

Looking back, I was probably frustrated at being "stuck" - in this posting, this job, this phase of life. I thought I found my calling in school. I went ahead to get an education in this field, submitted my only job application to the Ministry and got in. 

What has changed? Or rather, what have I been through that made me decide that I want something else and more?

First, mismatch between my personality and the demands of bureaucracy. I am free-spirited, not meant to be bound to a desk, a title, a job function. I remember doing a personality test in the first year of joining this organisation, and the coach told me that I was not suitable to work in the civil service because of the hierarchical structure. Ha ha. 

But that is not why I cannot work in a hierarchy. I have no issues with authority. I am not anti-establishment. However, it takes a lot of out of me to comply and sign off an email on it, when I do not agree with a position that is supposed to represent the entity, and not individual. Perhaps it is not our supervisor's job to convince us. But it is dangerous when one person's judgement can supersede everyone else's, regardless of how "experienced" they are. 

Isn't everywhere like this? Even in a private company - MNC or start-up, government, party. 

I guess it really depends on the leadership style and corporate culture.  

Second, mismatch between the fulfillments of this job and my personal aspirations. I am sure my colleagues have good reasons to stay, other than the generous overseas allowances and benefits. Not everyone gets to fly the flag high abroad, be the eyes and ears of their country on foreign soil, and promote and defend national interests and image. But maybe I am getting disillusioned about the concept of "country" and "nationalism". So much blood has shed because of the arbitrary delineation of borders throughout history, and the trend of "de-globalisation" will cause more instability. Do we need to create a country to protect our people's culture or primacy? Is this the best way to go about? Maybe, maybe not. 

What I am more interested now is to create value, be it for consumers, businesses, marginalised communities, or our Mother Earth. Be part of something groundbreaking that brings tangible positive impact. 

Yeah, diplomacy is hard to measure. It is difficult to give credit to yourself, unless you help your country avert a major crisis using your deft negotiation skills, or help a fellow Singaporean campaign for and win a top seat of an international organisation. Even so, it is hard to quantify your contributions. 

At my current job, I do not think that my work output is consequential. Whether I file back a report or not, and even if I do and somebody in the Cabinet reads it, it is hardly going to influence a policy direction or decision. Something more tangible in a government job would be to develop an urban renewal plan, come up with SkillsFuture, and introduce carbon tax. I prefer to operate on a project basis - and see it through from the conceptualisation to implementation. In my day-to-day job, opportunities for such projects are limited and narrow in scope. Example of a project would be organising a visit. Maybe some good deliverables could come out of it, and be used as talking points to profile the relations for the rest of the year. But it does not move me or inspire me. The procedures are also repetitive even if you move up the ranks.

Hence, I appreciate every opportunity to join a "co-curricular activity" such as a special taskforce, intra-ministry or inter-agency, to look into an issue. To deep dive, interview, formulate scenarios, and come up with recommendations. This, to me, is more purposeful.

Third, legal limitations. Sadly, Singapore does not legalise same-sex marriages, and also recently enshrined in the Constitution that marriage is one between a man and a woman. Staying in this job means I will not receive any support for my relationship, as opposed to working in a foreign company that openly endorses LGBT employees and support groups. Especially for a job like diplomat whose spouse play a prominent role, the pill is even harder to swallow. 

Guess I just wrote my resignation letter :') 

I appreciate all the exposure I have gotten from this job, as well as the benefits and the connections I have made whose brains I love to pick and whose company I cherish. 

But as the Netflix drama Beef conveyed, "everything fades". I will hold on to this job as far as my memory allows. 

Time for new pastures, if not greener. 

2020 is not cancelled

There has been so much going on this year.

Personally, I had travelled overseas for work in January and February, and to Tioman for PADI open water diving course in March. This was before the escalation of COVID-19 cases in Singapore, which prompted the government to shut the borders and impose an internal movement control order. Many (who are in safe jobs) welcomed the change as an opportunity to rest, reflect, and even pick up new skills. I was one of them. Working from home is refreshing, and being able to sustain it for a prolonged period of time shatters the myth that it would lower productivity. Meetings are held over Skype, Zoom, Webex, and more online platforms which I had not heard of.

Naturally, people are spending more time on social media. And a flood of information or "resources" and commentaries on current affairs/social issues ensues. 

First, COVID-19 and its implications. 

At home, people expressed surprise at closing our borders to even Malaysia, our closest (by proximity, not by relationship) neighbour. But everything seemed ok, till the third wave (of a spike in cases) struck within the foreign workers' dormitories. Some people questioned if the government implemented adequate measures to support and protect these workers who build our homes and infrastructure. Some, who are xenophobic, took this chance to blame the spread of virus on the workers for their poor hygiene and lifestyles. On the ground, funds were raised to provide more nutritious meals and buy sim cards etc. for this community. At the national level, Jo Teo drew flak for saying that not a single migrant worker has ever demanded an apology from the government, when asked if the government would issue one for the "dismal conditions" in the dorms. People questioned if the 4G leadership has the capability to lead the country through this crisis.

Second, Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement.

A video on the killing of George Floyd (a US policeman kneeling on his neck till he choked and suffocated) went viral in end May. Protests in Minnesota broke out and quickly spread to other parts of the country, and even abroad where there are significant Black populations. There's a lot of talk about racism and the law enforcement system which perpetuates it. At home, people begin again to reflect on our own treatment of the minorities. This is not new. The preetipls incident (rap satire by an Indian Singaporean and her brother against the brownface advertisement) still leaves a bad taste in the youths' mouths. People start to consider the broader question of activism. How do you differentiate between activism and virtue signalling? Why do some appear to care more about the BLM movement than our own country's situation? There are many compelling and competing narratives surrounding this issue:

"Staying silent is being complicit"

"It's not enough to be a non-racist. You have to be an anti-racist."

"It is not our right to dictate the method of protest by the oppressed." 

"The politicians and media are using the "divide and conquer" strategy to pit the Blacks against the Whites. We must not fall into this trick, and stay united in fighting for the cause."

I had unfortunately lost a friend over a disagreement we had on an aspect of this issue. It prompted me to think more about the cancel culture, and how to have difficult but necessary conversations for our personal growth.

Third, Pride.

Pinkdot, a large-scale event meant to celebrate equality in love, had to be held virtually instead of at Hong Lim Park this year because of the COVID-19 measures. Naturally, during the Pride month, people would reflect more on the LGBTQ situation in Singapore - Section 377A which takes forever to be repealed, other discriminatory policies etc. 

Fourth, GE2020.

Gutter politics were in the headlines of the news every other day. Of course, race had to be catapulted to the forefront again.

Now as the dust has settled, with PAP winning 83 out of 93 seats but commanding less than 60% popular vote, there is a brief respite.

Waiting for the next gust of wind to blow. 

Intimacy.

I struggled a lot with intimacy while growing up. As my grandma loves to share at family gatherings, I used to live in my own world without giving a hoot about my surroundings as a kid. My older sister would wail and run after my grandad as he stepped out of the house, demanding to be brought along on his errands, while I would turn my back against the noise and continue to play with myself.  My indifference did not, however, interfere with my ability to socialise. I am superficially an extrovert, and I draw energy from a well of people. The problem only arises when I sense that they are coming "too close", physically and emotionally.

Do I shun intimacy? No, I crave and fear it.

I never really understood the part of me which desired to be in close proximity with people but be left alone. It's only years later when my younger sister quizzed me on my attachment style, did I discover that I could be defined as a "Fearful Avoidant" type, and my behavioural patterns are shared by other precious humans. "I want you, but go away" is my motto for relationships.

"Fearful Avoidant" is one of the four key styles of attachment in the Attachment Theory first developed by psychologist John Bowlby in 1958. The theory studies close relationships between people, and how your interactions are influenced by relationships with your caregivers in your early childhood years. The other styles are "Secure", "Anxious", and "Avoidant". Ostensibly, the "Fearful Avoidant" is the most conflicting of all. It is a constant tussle between wanting and rejecting closeness. It is fine if you want something, you go for it. It is just as fine if you do not want something, you say no. How do you reconcile wanting something but battling against receiving it?

I still enjoy the invisible "do not enter" sphere I've carved out for myself. It seems to serve as an armour, protecting me against unwarranted intrusions. But I guess I have to learn how to better draw boundaries, instead of shoving people who want to care for me.

I often find myself retreating to this space when there is nothing left for me to lose but everything to feel. It took a while but I am finally feeling this ache in my heart that is hammering away the lump of muscles. I have difficulty catching my breath from time to time.

there is this ball of mess in my chest now that is suppressing my lungs. i can't breathe very well. and i have no idea how to get it out of my system. life is too difficult. relationships are too damn hard. 

i just want to be happy, kind and comfortable in my own skin, starting from this year. i am done trying to put on a mask for someone. i want to live. i want to breathe properly again. 

gah, my heart hurts so badly.

Trinity of emotions

I haven't written anything personal in a long while.  I might have lost the ability to do so, given how my work commitments have compelled me to use a certain language that does not really chime "individuality".

Lately I feel myself gasping for air, quite very literally - like a sigh that gets swallowed back into my lungs. It isn't the typical weight in my heart or mind, but rather a lingering sensation that emanates from my chest.  I struggled to describe what it entails till speaking to Tanya this morning helped me put a finger to it.  

It is a trinity of being emotionally drained, emotionally unavailable and feeling emotional about all of it at the same time.  Strange, hur? Being emotional about not being (able to be) emotional.  Hur. 

I guess this restful weekend is a good time for me to decompress and reassess my priorities in life.  I will be back to share more thoughts (and perhaps regain my individuality, in due course).  

p.s. I use parentheses a lot more in my writing after I met her - just one thing that stays even when the person has long gone. 

A Belief System, or a Whole Load of Crap

“If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?" This question escaped my lips as we were waiting to cross the road to her church.

"To the past."

"Why?"

 "Because the future will come, eventually. But the past has gone.” She let out a soft, mellow sigh while keeping her facial expression intact. “And I don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future, but I already know what to expect from the past.”

“You can’t pick and choose though. You can’t return to only the good parts of the past.” I answered almost instantaneously, as if the largely unconscious, automated processes of my brains had long anticipated her reply. Sometimes, I — or rather the tiny fragmented conscious bits of me — was taken aback by the speed of my replies.

Do I really know her so well, or is she simply that predictable?

“There will always be both good and bad in the past, present, and the future.” I heard a voice echoing in my head. I took stock and waved it off before it made its slamming exit out of my mouth.

She knew this axiom. She hadn’t been sucked into the black hole of eternal misery, though one could argue she was only about a foot away.

She knew that the good would come again but that did not stop her from fearing. Fearing that the best had already been left behind, and nothing from there on could ever compare to the best. And she — she was not one who could settle for mediocrity, nor live with uncertainty.

“…” She blinked and looked far, her almond-shaped eyes tinged with light blue.

That was when I knew not to utter a single more word. She had retreated into her bubble of space.

---

Part I: Time

Time has always been an interesting concept to me.

As a kid, I used to watch Chinese celestial dramas that adhere to this particular time rule: 3 days in heaven is 3 years in mortal world. A typical plot is as follows: deity fell in love with a mortal, got discovered and was banished behind the gates of prison in heaven, only to return to the mortal world to find out that his/her lover had greyed or passed.

“Oh. So it’s not that Gods have longevity but that time moves a lot slower in heaven.” I remember harboring this particular thought.

As I was growing up, I continued watching sci-fi movies that echoed the same idea: Time moves slower when you are away from earth, in space. Astronauts are portrayed to age slower; they return to earth from a mission decades later bearing the same youth. Thanks to the advancement of technology, I was able to research on space-time after watching Interstellar which introduced ‘fifth dimension’ and left me completely mind-blown. (How did ancient people survive their burning curiosity?)

What is time?

Time is known as the fourth dimension in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. It adds another coordinate — direction — to space where length, width and height exist. Conventionally, it was thought that time only moves forward but Einstein came forth and argued that ‘forward’ is only one out of the endless permutations of paths that light can travel in space. There are 3 main takeaways from his theory:

1 — Time moves slower as gravity increases (gravitational time dilation)

2 — Time moves slower as you move faster (relative velocity time dilation)

3 — Picturing time as a linear succession of movements is merely an illusion — the past, present and future exist at the same time (catastrophic revelation)

Einstein makes life even more difficult that it already is. If time is an illusion, why do we live by it? Why are we inclined to mark the passage of time on calendars?

The truth is, you don’t know it is an illusion when you’re living in one.

Even if you snap out of it and tell yourself that time is just a social construct, time is a useful construct.

Time brings us to different places when it is neatly demarcated

People would call this phenomenon “phases”. When you enter a new phase, you step into a new environment. You get to meet different people, gain new perspectives and present a different side of yourself.

In short, you can reinvent yourself.

In a different phase, things may finally change for the better, on their own, after you have exhausted all your efforts to no avail. Otherwise, you may evolve into a different person, perhaps not immediately, but in the next 10456th breath that you take. Maybe, just maybe, you will become strong enough a person to overcome your personal issues.

In short, time gives people hope.

It gets better with time

So they say, though we, as rational people, know there isn’t such a guarantee in the future.

But this is not an illusion; it is faith. Reason or proof does not have a role to play in faith. People have faith that with time, they will either gain a pair of new eyes or arrive at a new scenery even if they are stuck in the same place in the same body. Faith keeps people going.

The comforting thing about the past is you can’t change it — you can’t erase the bad but you can’t take away the good as well. The past is forever concealed in a time capsule and forever yours to keep. You can’t change the moments of happiness you did feel in this particular memory, so stop — stop trying to change your perception of it.

The good did happen. It was real. It wasn’t all for nothing. It wasn’t a waste of time. You were happy — at least at a particular point of time in a universe.

“Do you know what’s the beauty of life?”

“What, love? Good food?” She teased, expecting something lame and cheesy from me.

“No. The beauty of life is that it will end one day.
So will your pain.”

---

Part II: People

I will not dive into the debate on whether human nature is good or evil, or if humans have real agency. Binaries are boring. We live in a grey world. If there’s anything that my political philosophy class has taught me, this is it:

Unintended consequences matter more than intentions.

When it comes to people, things are always messy. Sometimes we mess life (and each other) up and other times life messes us up.

Oftentimes we try to make a decision with an intent in mind: get from A to B. But along the way Murphy’s law applies and somehow you end up in C. Here, original intention ceases to matter. Here, you’ve gotta suck it up and learn how to deal with what you’ve got.

Will you find another way to get to B? Maybe. But maybe you’re happy right where you are.

People are very adaptable.

That’s how we survive, and that’s what makes us replaceable and pliable too.

It becomes easy to replace someone you’ve lost with another person who shares similar qualities. Nobody is identical, for sure. But what we need is never the exact replica of the flesh but the comfort we can get from this other human being. We all learn how to make do.

“The beauty of humans, though, is that they are far less fragile than a 3-week-old chick and far more adaptable. The contortions you could tease out of this human being delighted you.”

— Amanda Lee Koe, Chick in Ministry of Moral Panic

It becomes too easy to manipulate someone once you find out their weaknesses. And it is on this premise that a narcissist and/or a person with intimacy issues cannot build healthy relationships with people who are attracted/attractive to them.

“We won’t go into how you limned squeezing, nor for how long, suffice to say this human being eventually broke. There was nothing gradual nor ambiguous about it: you saw the light go out of this human being’s eyes, the light specific to the torch he carried for you.

You’d succeeded. You’d pushed a human being to the furthest they could stand to be with you before they went off the far edge, you’d espied the precise axis to which angle you cease to be worthy of love.

This human being looked past you as you cradled him in your palm, as you first cooed sweet nothings and promises, and cried. This human being broke not because he could not be stretched further, but because he saw, finally, that the squeezing was a limit you were testing in your personal vanity. It was not a test of love, as this human being had previously believed.

This human being would forever be dead to you.”

— Amanda Lee Koe, Chick in Ministry of Moral Panic

---

People don’t break easy. You can twiddle with them, poke them, step on them and chip pieces of them off. But people don’t break that way. They are elastic. Squeezing them doesn’t wreck them. Stretching them, on the other hand, does entail the possibility of snapping them into parts. But here’s the thing: even when the rubber band has snapped, its parts are still elastic. It loses its original form but not its original properties.

A human being breaks, when he realises that he is never going to be enough for you. When it hits him that all this while you’re cradling him in one palm and lulling another in your other palm, your eyes are looking far for the next one to collect, squeeze and bury.

Nobody ever intends to hurt someone (unless he/she is the vengeful type). Hurting arises in the process of getting from A to B. But as established above, the unintended consequences matter more — they are what’s tangible and really affect our lives.

Everyone judges

Even those closest to you who promise they’ll not judge you. It is hence unsurprising that we can never be completely honest with anyone. People get hurt and offended way too easily.

However, it is what they do with the judgment that matters. A person who wants the best for you will point out what’s wrong rather than simply stand by your side and watch you repeat the same mistake over and over again.

In this pool of people who judge you, some truly have your best interests at heart while others treat your life like a soap drama, just eager to watch the plot unfold. Trust the person who’d give you an earful rather than someone who lies to you that he/she does not judge you.

That said, there is room for error in judgement. It is easy to misjudge people. Imagine watching a person leave a cubicle with shit stain on the toilet bowl. You may immediately assume that the person is a terrible little shit who doesn’t clean up her own mess. But what if the shit stain was not made by her, and that she used the cubicle anyway because she really needed to answer nature’s call? Is it now her fault that she didn’t clean up the previous person’s shit?

The difference between an informed and assumption-based judgment then is communication. If someone judges you before you finish your story, then he/she is not worth your time telling the whole story. People only hear what they want to hear.

People are contradictory

Recently, I read an article on a neuroscientist who argues that our brains govern our actions without our even knowing. He delves into the unconsciousness of our minds in attempt to explain why humans are nuanced, complex and contradictory. “The conscious you is the smallest bit-player in the brain,” he proclaims.

Amazing isn’t it? His theory can excuse us from assuming responsibility for our actions. “It’s not me, it’s my brains.”

In all seriousness, his findings do explain why humans always change their minds quickly, do things that contradict what they say and take time to process what let slip their mouths. How many times do we hear ourselves speaking even though we are not actively thinking of what to say?

So how do we navigate this complexity? I have one simple strategy: screw words, look out for actions.

If someone tells you that they love you but go ahead and do the opposite of loving, trust the opposite. Talk is cheap and feelings change. You can never figure out if anyone truly means their words (they probably don’t even know themselves), so there’s no point cracking your brains to analyse something that only has weight at that moment.

Their action reflects their decision (conscious or unconscious) and ultimately, this is the only thing that has a tangible impact on your life.

Maybe she truly thinks she loves you, but she doesn’t. She has herself fooled too, you’re not the only one.

Everybody wants to be special

People desire to be heard. People feel flattered when others do a double take on them. People want to be adored in a way that nobody else has been.

To achieve this goal, people do all sorts of things to gain attention i.e. posting photos of themselves doing dangerous stunts on the rooftop, putting on makeup to take a selfie on IG story. But… what makes you special is not the way you look or the things you own and display, but how you treat people.

Since every other person is so basic, boring and an asshole these days, what will set you apart is be well-read, genuine and kind.

“Finally he lifted his head and said: I’ll never meet another girl like you.

I’m only special insofar as your life is boring, you said.”

— Amanda Lee Koe, Chick in Ministry of Moral Panic

---

Intelligent people are hard to please

“I’m not as superficial as I seem,” she protested.

“Actually I wish you were.”

“Really? Shouldn’t we not settle for less.” She enjoyed using double negatives in her speech.

“If you are, then you’d be less unfazed and more easily contended with what you have.” I replied plainly. “Intelligent people will never be happy. They know too much about what other people don’t. It’s difficult to find a match, an intelligent equal. They will always be setting themselves up for disappointment.”

“I’m both intelligent and superficial.”

“Which makes your life harder. It isn’t easy to find someone who’s both good-looking and intelligent.”

“You’re looking at one.”

---

Part III: Relationships

When you have chemistry with someone, the interactions feel organic. Conversations are smooth; laughter is spontaneous. But relationships are not organic; relationships require effort. Effort to show that you care, to keep the person in your life, to communicate.

“If it doesn’t feel like work, it’s not going to work.”

Work should be in mirrored proportions though. If you have to work too hard for someone, you are just trying to win the person’s approval and/or to fix your damaged ego.

When all efforts fail, take 5 steps back. Distance is good. It helps us to see things more clearly. People have long-sightedness in relationships. The further they are away from the subject of interest, the better their view. People tend to get blindsided by the things, the people closest to them.

If it still doesn’t work, it’s time to walk away.

Goodbyes are painful

but they do not have to be dramatic. It can be a simple mutual acknowledgement of “our time is done, for now”. ‘For now’ is the operative phrase. People part ways for many reasons but it usually boils down to these two:

1) Staying together becomes tiresome when the other party cannot give you what you want or you can no longer accommodate certain parts of him or her;

2) You do not like the person you’re becoming.

Things can change in the future when 1) you no longer want the thing you wanted from him/her; 2) those parts that you weren’t able to accept are not so much of a deal breaker to you anymore.

People stay in a relationship because they think that these two changes can be achieved in the near future. If they try hard enough, if they love enough.

But no. You cannot change a person; you can only adjust your expectations in the short run.

“Do you think she really loved him?

I think she loved him the best she knew how.

And would that have been enough for you?

No. That would not have been enough for me either.

So you would have ended it too?

Well. Burke and I are built differently. He’s stronger than I am. We’re not built the same.

Honourable men are all built the same.

You.. You think I am an honourable man?

Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when to not take less than you deserve? If you do, then you are an honourable man.”

— Conversation between Jane Burke and Derek Shepherd In Grey’s Anatomy Season 4 Episode 2

I like this quote because it pivots away from love, to something more tangible. Sure she loves you, sure she tried her best, but it is not enough. It is not enough if she can’t love you the way you think you deserve. There’s only so much you can compromise.

Then again, goodbyes are not permanent. How many times have we kidded ourselves that it would be the last we’d ever see of this and that person? The best thing we can do is to accept that there might be a chance that he or she could appear in our lives again. If they don’t, that’s okay too.

The whole picture defines you. Not the pieces, especially not those you have lost.

Intelligent people are hard to please

Maybe that’s why we need a little rejection, one or two major fuckups, heartbreaks and be shat on for a period of time.

If not we’d be bored out of our wits.

2017 has been a year of letting go. of losses. of walking away - an action that is familiar to me because multiple people have done it to me before; only this time I am doing it to someone else.

I had a really bad dream yesterday. I remember jolting awake from my sleep and staring up at the ceiling, painfully aware of the depressed state my mind is in. I remember telling myself: the worst place to be in is my mind now. I repeated this sentence a few times before I drifted back to sleep. 

Some time. This is all I need to heal. Some time. 

有些爱只给到这真的痛了。

still

I remember a distinct period of life when I felt so much pain that I began to draw and write intensively. I kept a notebook of thoughts which were matched closely to my drawings. I planned to bind it into a book for my personal collection when I was done with the whole healing process. 

But I never made it to the last page. 

It wasn't a bad thing, anyhow, since my urge to work on the notebook receded as the pain subsided. 

Lately that same urge that had prompted me to create that notebook has resurfaced. I am feeling a lot of things I cannot explain and that tears cannot purge and talking about it does not help. I cannot rely on external sources anymore. I have to look deep within myself, and draw out whatever strength is left of me to help myself out.

This is probably why I am flipping the pages of my notebook and turning to this space again - my personal refuge.