“If I sleep on things that I’ve said today, tomorrow I might say a completely opposite thing. What I mean is that I don’t have a full trust in language. Everybody has afterthoughts, something like regretting a love letter that they should have never sent. You thought you were expressing your genuine emotion in the letter, but looking back, you feel rather frustrated because there is still something that you couldn’t express. I am really not good with words, so when you are reading this, I’d be happy if you can think of this as only less than one fourth of the things that I really wanted to say.”
- Yoshimoto Nara
I guess the quote above briefly explains why people are inconsistent and behave like walking contradictions - saying one thing and doing another directly opposite thing. It's really hard to understand someone, don't you think so? You could have known the person for a lifetime and be pretty damn sure of this person's character, yet the things they do still surprise you sometimes. Yeah, there will be people out there who are seemingly predictable because they stick to their values and principles and act accordingly to them. But, they too, are more often than not suffering from the incapacity to express themselves fully through words.
Some people are outrightly contradicting. They claim to want something at this moment but as soon as they turn their backs, they start going after another something. They leave people stunned; they leave people breathless. However, this does not mean that they were lying back then. Neither does it mean they are fickle-minded. At that point of time, it could be the very thing that they wanted. They could have already made up their mind. The change occurs only because they are not able to commit to and follow through their decisions. For example: Girl agreed to be Boy's girlfriend but one week later, she asked for breakup. Does it necessarily mean she had not thought through properly when she decided to commit to Boy? Well, she could have listed all the pros and cons and cross-compare millions of times, but then she started to second-guess herself as soon as she communicated her decision. You may think this is unfair to the boy, but this is how the human brains work. We all have afterthoughts. People stay in relationships for a long time because they make the conscious effort to try, to dispel negative thoughts after countless of internal struggles, to speak to each other. Anything relational does not come easy. It has to keep up with the pace of changes - changes in one's state of mind, changes in the other's attitude, and adapt to the current.
Some people are outrightly contradicting. They claim to want something at this moment but as soon as they turn their backs, they start going after another something. They leave people stunned; they leave people breathless. However, this does not mean that they were lying back then. Neither does it mean they are fickle-minded. At that point of time, it could be the very thing that they wanted. They could have already made up their mind. The change occurs only because they are not able to commit to and follow through their decisions. For example: Girl agreed to be Boy's girlfriend but one week later, she asked for breakup. Does it necessarily mean she had not thought through properly when she decided to commit to Boy? Well, she could have listed all the pros and cons and cross-compare millions of times, but then she started to second-guess herself as soon as she communicated her decision. You may think this is unfair to the boy, but this is how the human brains work. We all have afterthoughts. People stay in relationships for a long time because they make the conscious effort to try, to dispel negative thoughts after countless of internal struggles, to speak to each other. Anything relational does not come easy. It has to keep up with the pace of changes - changes in one's state of mind, changes in the other's attitude, and adapt to the current.
So yeah, it is a bloody feat to understand someone. To go under someone's skin, to take a swim through someone's blood vessels, to zoom into his or her cells. Even we ourselves may not understand our thoughts, our feelings and our actions. It is often after feeling something that we start questioning ourselves "omg dude, what's all these about?" And we try to come up with an explanation that best justifies our feelings at that moment. But, the best we can do is to convince ourselves. Convince ourselves of the supposed truth we just cook up. Hahaha. This is not confusing at all I swear. But, I guess you can say that someone understands you when that person can sense that you want/need something at that very point of time you want/need it. Yeah, sensitivity. When you need space, that person can sense it. When you are not ready to talk yet, the person can sense it too.
Sensing has to be accompanied with action, though. When you sense that people need space, you should naturally give them the space. I have to admit that my failure to act on my senses is in large part due to fear. I understand (or so I think I do), but I am afraid. I am afraid that my actions will escalate into unintended consequences. Sadly, in the end, I just make things worse. This is definitely something I am working on to change.
"If there’s any kind of magic in this world… it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know it’s almost impossible to succeed… but who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt." - Celine, Before Sunrise
Before Sunrise (1995) is the first installation of the "Before"s trilogy. This is a film I strongly recommend you guys to watch. I may even blog an entire post on it haha, maybe sometime later when I'm less swarmed by work. Anyway, moral of the story is, the meaning of understanding someone lies in the attempt. Slowly, we will all realise that it is the process and not the end goal (succeed in understanding someone) that truly matters. I think most of us always feel that our family/friends/lovers do not understand us enough but it could be our fault all along. You know, sending unclear, mixed, contradicting signals, that confuse them. As we grow up, we make more and more superficial contacts and sometimes people just get too caught up with their own problems to give a damn about figuring you out. You can tell if they are sincere about you. While it is frustrating to have to explain ourselves, let's be thankful to have people around us who even bother to try, to want to achieve this unattainable goal of understanding us.
As stated in the opening quote, I'll be happy if you can think of this as only less than one fourth of the things that I really wanted to say. Hahaha au revoir.
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