Magic

Finally, I got the closure that I sorely needed. Yeah, I do feel liberated. No more waking up to and going to sleep with the same boggling questions in my head. Well, that doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about it. People always say "don't look back" but I guess humans are wired in a way that we tend to look into the past for answers, to seek for peace and to remind ourselves of how we've gotten to where we are today. It's inevitable, nobody can totally move away from their roots. But. I do feel much better and am ready to move on to embrace new memories.

Recently I read a young adult fiction novel called "Let it snow" and a few lines inside struck me. One of them goes: "You have to take a close hard look at yourself, change what you have to change and move on." Most of us are always so wrapped up in our own problems, looking elsewhere to blame during times of misfortune and only thinking for ourselves. We fail to stand in the perspective of other parties and let our own thinking become the "gospel truth". As much as I believe I am an introspective person, I am guilty of convincing myself sweepingly with my inchoate parochial thoughts rather than looking deeper into myself to find the true cause of my feelings.

Then again, to what extent do we truly understand ourselves? How can we ever explain and justify our feelings perfectly? This brings me to the conversation I had with tricia before where we solemnly agree that nobody can ever understand each other completely and even themselves. "All the kinds of understanding of oneself are just induction rather than deduction because we can only explain after we have felt and not the other way round so like how transient and ungrounded are all these understandings." I guess, there's no point in justifying feelings because you can never identify that one sole cause of your feelings and it has to be a combination of societal, personality and body chemical factors at a particular timing that gives rise to your feelings at that moment. This is just the way we are. So my question is, just how much control do we truly have over ourselves? We can make decisions on where to go and what to speak but do we ever have a say on how fast our hearts should beat? There there. 

Also, from this closure, I learnt just how important trust is. Yeah, trust. When doubts creep in and you let them dominate your mind, you'll begin to assume things based on your own past experiences, and insecurities. Trust is what makes you want to walk a mile in the shoes of the other party to understand what's his or her world like rather than jumping to conclusions. Yeah I do think that trust has to be earned and sometimes things are presented to you in a way that guide you to naturally form a certain interpretation. We will all have those initial questions, but if you had really placed your faith in the person, you wouldn't have dwelt on them and let bad thoughts grow roots in your mind. The only possible way out is to talk it out. Communication. It's so very important. And at the end of this whole thing, I realised that even honest communication can never build complete trust. And the problem does not lie with the other person but ourselves. It's not that he or she is not trustworthy like they haven't been there for you or they are dishonest. It's simply because of our own insecurities, that we are afraid of putting our heart on the line and trust someone with the whole of it. Because we are afraid of getting hurt so we can never let down our guard completely and let somebody go under your skin. Because no matter how amazing that other person is, you'll feel uncomfortable with the invasion of your privacy, space and sovereignty of your mind. The other person can only come that close. And many relationships are jeopardised when we let our trust issues get in the way. Yup we all have trust issues on the scale of foolishly gullible to eccentrically cynical. And they are not something that can be "fixed" readily and easily. It's not easy to allow someone to point a gun at your head and trust that they will not pull the trigger. Yeah this expression is dinosaur age-old but still mother relevant.

Well, I have never really asked myself how easy it is for me to trust another person. Sometimes I share things with people whom I barely know, because that moment feels right. It's always about the moment. Like what I have mentioned earlier, the combination of societal, personality and body chemical factors all fall perfectly in place for me to feel that way. Also, like what most people feel, it's always easier to share things with strangers because they aren't there to judge your past. I guess, that's why I did what I did, not with a particular motive in mind I mean that's just sick right. I don't consciously make the effort to filter information or stop myself from disclosing "more than enough". I don't exactly pause and rationalise in the process of a moment that feels right. Yeah in retrospect, it's a mistake but you only know something is a mistake after the consequences show you that hey buddy, that is a mistake. And sometimes when you realise it, it's too late. So you just have to let it go. 

Letting someone go means letting go of whatever the person once meant to you, letting go of the meanings you associated with the memories you have with and of the persons, and letting go of the burden and baggage that had dragged the relationship downhill. Time will make it happen. But that doesn't mean to reject the possibilities of forming new feelings of and memories with the same person in the future. Once you have let the baggage go, there is no need to keep in mind on the distance to keep or restrain yourself simply because you don't feel that way anymore.

I know this may sound naive but I always believe that people whom I have lost could always manage to find their way back into my life somehow, no matter how long it takes. I don't mean that they consciously make the effort to connect with me again, but rather, miracles happen and fate works to pull us back to each other's life. It's magical. And I will keep believing in this magic while I move on to work on myself and become a bigger and better me.